So I Get On the Elevator This Morning

I'm followed by a man. A woman gets on before me.

“Floor 7, please.”

She presses the button. She’s so tiny I’m almost surprised she can reach it.

“6 please,” says the man who follows me in. I watch the man as he struggles to look comfortable. He’s carrying a soft briefcase in his right hand. His left hand holds one strap of a back pack on his left shoulder. He shuffles about, nervously, and I think maybe he’s going to a job interview. Then I notice he’s wearing jeans. They’re nice, but they’re still jeans.

Just then he abruptly steps to the back center of the elevator and turns to his left, leaning on the back wall of the elevator. He’s now facing the woman, but he’s looking down. Maybe he’s looking at her – she is pretty short – but it appears that he’s just nervously looking at the ground. He is carrying two bags. Maybe he’s up to something nefarious.

The elevator opens on the 4^th floor. The woman gets out, and the man immediately moves to the front of the elevator as the doors close.

Then he begins to wipe his hand up and down between the elevator buttons as though he’s cleaning them. He does this only for a moment as though he suddenly realizes that he’s being very strange. He wanders back to the back left corner of the elevator, avoiding eye contact with me as I’ve given up on pretending to not notice his strangeness.

We arrive at the 6^th floor. The doors open. He exits. As he goes, I almost tell him to have a nice day, but think better of it as I’m not sure what “nice” might mean to this nervous, two-bag carrying man.

As the doors close, I immediately realize the cause of his strange behavior. It envelopes me like a thick fog rolling off of Lake Michigan. I gasp for air, but air, clean crisp air, wants no part of this elevator car. I feel like the trip from floor 6 to floor 7 takes days. I’m on my knees pawing at the doors, begging them to open. When they finally do, I fall out onto the 7^th floor, tears of relief and pain intertwining as they wind their way down my cheeks to the old hardwood floor.

The doors close behind me, but the cloud has only partially gone with it. I fear that it will cling to me for the remainder of the day, attacking all who come near me. But as I walk down the hall I realize that it is slowly being left in my wake. I say a quick prayer for the next passenger to get on Car 4. They know not what awaits them.

I know that every time I step on an elevator from this day forward, I will not fear falling. I will not fear death. I will fear the entrapment of the Dutch Oven.

two Zero one One

So it begins. Another year, another journey around the sun on this beautiful, round piece of rock. I don't generally make much of starting a new lap, but something about this year has me feeling eagerly expectant which has caught me off-guard to tell you the truth. I mean, come on. It's 2011. It's not 2020 or 2010 or 2050 or some nice round number. No one from sci-fi movies in the 50's traveled to the year 2011 to explore the future. No one making movies in the year 3010 will set their movies in 2011. Just trust me on that one.

So, when I felt myself anticipating the onset of 2011 and the desire to see 2010 fade into the rearview, I took myself by surprise. And after 18 days of 2011, I have to say, the year is beginning to deliver.

I started this year having no idea what my job would look like. Well, that's not entirely true. Over the course wrapping up 2010 I determined that it could take on one of three forms:

• No job
• Job with way more accounts to call on, a lot more traveling and less dollars to manage
• Job with way less accounts to call on, but more dollars to manage, still plenty of traveling, but all of the traveling is within a couple of states

Once 2010 came and went and some people that weren't me had been let go, I eliminated the first option. I never really felt in danger of that, but you never know these days.

Then a couple of days into 2010, I received an organizational announcement that listed all of the new people that would be doing the job in that second bullet point. I was not on the list. So, I eliminated that as a possibility, and came to the conclusion that option 3 was where I was going to be.

And this is great news! It's where I wanted to be, and I felt it was the right step for my career. It was all made official at a sales meeting we had to discuss the transitions about a week ago. My job is essentially the same, but the responsibilities are a little different and there's a lot more at stake - which I love. So, good job on that 2011.

2011 also saw Stacie get a pretty sweet modeling gig down in Kansas City. She just auditioned for it a couple of weeks ago and did the shoot yesterday. She had a blast, and got a nice role in the production. Not to mention, another company called her agent out of the blue asking if they could use her, but their shoot was the same day as her shoot in KC so she couldn't do it. But, still, it's nice to be in demand.

We also had our movie released. Well, by our movie, I mean the one where we did some extra work for it. It's called The Dilemma, and Stacie did some green screen work for an auto show scene that didn't end up making it into the film. I did some photo-double work for Vince Vaughn that did make it into the film - you can see my hand acting as Vince Vaughn's hand a few times. Our friend Heidi (who acts and models for a living) got a role in the movie where she plays a girl that gets to shoot the puck during one of the intermissions at a Chicago Blackhawks game. She's in the movie a couple of times as they cut back to her while the main characters talk.

On the set of The Dilemma

On the set of The Dilemma

So, an improved job situation, a budding modeling career and our big screen debut - all in the first few days of 2011.

Add that to some trips that we have planned with family and friends, some other ideas we have to occupy our time (vague, I know, but I don't want to bore anyone with things yet to come), and all of the good people that we are blessed to surround ourselves with and you have the makings of a pretty sweet year on your hands.

Get ready, reader(s), it's going to be a fun ride.

Wisdom From A Thirty Year Old

I'm thirty today. Well, technically I turned 30 yesterday, but this is the first day that I've ever awakened to greet the day as a 30 year old. That's pretty crazy to say out loud in my head. I figure that I should have a lot of life experiences and wisdom built up after being on this here planet for so long, and you know what...? I do. I am very wise. I'm practically Yoda...wait, no...who taught Yoda? Whoever taught Yoda, that's the guy I rank right up there with in wisdom acquired. What, don't believe me...? Fine. I'll prove it by giving you all some free wisdom today garnered in my first three decades of life. I should note, it does help to be born awesome for what I'm about to pass along to take root.

• Be born awesome. It will serve you well in life.
  
• If you climb on a chair with wheels to reach a root beer, that action may result in a broken arm. But it will be totally worth it.
• Fear not. You do not have to go to jail if you expose yourself by peeing in front of the cheerleaders and the crowd during a football game provided you are 4 years old at the time.
• Be wise in dangerous situations. If at all possible ensure that your older brother attempts dangerous maneuvers first. Examples may include riding a bicycle up and over and old pickup on a 2 X 12 and swinging by a cheap, old electrical cord over cactus.
• Not eating your spinach may upset people early in your life. It may even cause them to withhold recess from you. This will be the first cost-benefit analysis you perform before making a decision. Choose wisely. The wise choice is recess. In case you were wondering if there's a right or wrong here. Because there is.
• Do not be disheartened when you discover you say hardly a word to the first girlfriend you have. Girls are scary. Especially when they are pretty and smell nice.
• Revel in the moments when disagreements are solved through conversation, but if there is no other course of action to agreement, punch your opponent in the face. Nice and hard. Make sure you do it first.
• If your butt starts to itch, immediately remove yourself from the situation you've found yourself in. Do not ask questions. Act.
  
• Be awesome at sports. Life will surely be easier for you if this is accomplished. It is possible that you will be allowed to change majors in college (despite a prohibitive GPA) simply based on the fact that you play a sport.
• Go off to college. Not for wisdom - you are surely gaining that simply by looking at these letters formed into magical words. Go because it is fun. Really fun.
• Do not charge lightly when taking on a 260lb running back at a full speed. Charge the opposite of lightly. Charge hardly.
  
• At all times try not to look completely ridiculous. Dying your hair blond will make you look completely ridiculous. But once it grows out a little bit and you have a sweet late 90s frosted tips kind of look, you will once again be returned to non-ridiculousness. Possibly even awesomeness.
• Take the trash out often. Preferably shirtless while wearing jorts and walking your roommates tiny dog. This is how you find a wife.
• Roadtrips are the key to unlocking the mysteries of the...road...Seriously. Road trips are awesome. You will have a good time driving from College Station to Cincinnati even if the Bengals get whipped by the Steelers. Find the road. Find it often.
• Do not work for Pepsi Bottling Group straight out of college. Possibly ever. Pepsi is not as fun as the commercials make it look.
• When you marry, marry the most awesome woman ever. Oh wait. You can't. You know...since I did. It's not like you can do everything on this list anyway.
• If you come across a river, float that river. Float the hell out of that river.
• Get a dog. Not because you are scared of pretty girls that smell nice. Get a dog that is as awesome as you are. Heck, get two.
• "Friends are better than gold or crowns, having a bunch won't weigh you down..." Wise words borrowed by one wise man from another wise man. Make a lot of friends. You should have friends every where in the United States at the least. And I don't mean facebook friends. I mean crash on your couch kind of friends...that's why you want them all over. It's cheaper to visit places then.
• Travel the world. Much like taking a great road trip opens ones eyes, traveling the world opens ones eyes farther. It will be as though you are pushing them open even wider than can be considered comfortable with your own fingers. But those fingers are actually the fingers of the world.
• If the time comes and you move away from your home, fear not. Even if you are moving to a place where more people are shot over the summer than are shot in Iraq, fear not. But do not move to the south side. Of any place. The south side is always the dangerous side.
• Journal your thoughts. Your thoughts are a guidebook to your past and a map for your future. If they stay locked in your mind, then what good do they do you. So instead, write them down. Unless your writing style or thoughts are awful, then keeping them locked away would be considered wise.

If I were to sum up what I have learned in my first 30 years, I'd have to borrow another quote: "Be excellent to one another. And party on dudes."

I know that you have learned many wise things today. Wisdom is power, so as you go about your day use that power of wisdom wisely. Use it to get free stuff.

My Fair Share

Today I received a letter from US Census Bureau. You probably received one, too. It read:

"Dear Resident:

About one week from now, you will receive a 2010 Census form in the mail. When you receive your form, please fill it out and mail it in promptly.

Your response is important. Results from the 2010 Census will be used to help each community get its fair share of government funds for highways, schools, health facilities and many other programs you and your neighbors need. Without a complete, accurate census, your community may not receive its fair share.

Thank you in advance for your help."

I don't know about you, but the term "fair share" pretty much makes me gag. And this form letter, though short, was nonetheless extremely gag inducing. Of course, I'm a guy that thinks government should provide for certain things like defending our country, keeping commonly used infrastructure in tact, protecting our rights and liberties, things that fall in the big picture category. When it comes to schools, health facilities and "programs", I'm generally not a big fan of Federal involvement.

But aside from that here's what makes me gag:

• FAIR SHARE: I hate the word fair except in baseball. And unless we're talking baseball, who the heck can even know what is fair? Who decides what is fair? If I'm forced to use the word, I'd say that my fair share of the things the census is offering would mean that I would get a proportionate amount of the services to my taxes paid. But I'm willing to bet what is meant here is that if my neighborhood has a generally higher income level, they're going to put less resources into our "schools, health facilities and programs" because it wouldn't be "fair" to use our taxes in our neighborhood because we can just pay for stuff ourselves.

And seriously, who decides what is fair? Bureaucrats, that's who. And what's their
motivation? Votes. Don't think for a second that most of the people in elected positions
want what's best for our country. They want to stay employed.

• SO WHAT'S FAIR, THEN?: Is it fair when we all have exactly the same amount of money? Is it fair when we all have the exact same amount of homes with the exact same amount of square footage and the exact same amount of food in the exact same fridge? There's no such thing as fair in this sense! It doesn't exist. I don't believe it exists in any sense. I'd like to say that fair is when we all have the same opportunities for success, but that doesn't and will never exist. Some people will be born into families that instill in them a work ethic. Some people will be born into families that let them do whatever they want with no accountability whatsoever. Some will be given up for adoption. Some will have no dads. Some will have the best parents. Some will have a lot of money and go to college for free. Some will have no money and have to work their way through school if they want a degree. But the thing that's great about our country is your guaranteed the opportunity to strive for success. And you'll have to overcome many things that aren't fair on the way to that success.

• NEED!: Ugh. As if all that "fair share" talk wasn't enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little, they had to go say that we need the things that the great government will provide us our fair share of. Programs! Health facilities! Schools! Sure, we need hospitals. We need schools. But government acts as if they weren't there we'd just let our sick die and our kids grow up as uneducated imbeciles. And the programs...well, the programs have all done their "fair share" to cause people to be overly reliant on government. Does the government believe we'd let our needy go unattended to if they weren't around? I wouldn't and neither would the rest of the country. Have you seen our country's generous outpouring of help when other countries need help? How much more do you think we'd show up to help our own, but government has wretched that from our hands and now use it against those who need it to secure their vote. Peter King is a sports writer for SI.com. Most of you have probably never heard of him, but he met a soldier at a Cardinals baseball game once and a friendship between them grew. This soldier and his troops are headed to Afghanistan to start a remote base and Peter asked what he could do for them. The soldier said he'd like for his troops to have something to do in their downtime (lift weights, video games, nice TV, etc.) like they would have if they were on a more permanent base. So, Peter went to his readers and asked for $5 to be donated to a USO site that builds these type of rec areas at a cost of $20K each. His readers donated enough in one day to build that one and 4 more for other troops stationed in different areas. The average donation was over $25. We are a generous people at our cores and we don't need the government to do every little thing for us when we hit a tough spot.

I realize this post is a little ranty, but it's been that kind of day and I felt like typing hard. I'm not against paying taxes (though I am against the income tax, talk about not "fair", and I'm against the covert removal of taxes from our paychecks so that most of us don't even know what goes out the door), but I believe there are certain things the government should use those taxes for and certain things that are our own responsibility.

And I don't like it when the government dangles "fair share" and "need" in front of my face like a carrot to get me all excited about the Census.

Now I need to go, I hear my big white phone ringing.

"Hello, Ralph..."

iTunes, Sometimes I Feel Like You Don't Know Me at All

The last three days of work have been so busy. And tomorrow and Friday aren't looking any better. Oh well. Such is life sometimes.

But since I can't get it all done and everyone needs to take a breather at some point, I decided to spend some time on iTunes looking for some new music. I hadn't checked out the "Just for You" section in a while, so I thought perusing that might bring up something worthwhile. Who knows right?




I'm not sure if you can see that too well; you may have to click on it. But did you notice the gray highlighted song that iTunes recommended for me.

That's right. The University of Iowa Fight Song. Performed by the University of Iowa Hawkeye Marching Band.

What?

What could I have possibly purchased to lead iTunes to believe that not only would I want to listen to a marching band perform a high school style college fight song, but that I would then want to drop 99 cents to own the thing?

Not only that, three of the songs on that list of recommendations I own already. They're in my iTunes library, iTunes.

And then there's the Dave Matthews Band and Brad Paisley recommendations.

I never thought I'd say this, but iTunes, I'm putting you on notice, Colbert style. You think you know me and have stuff "Just for Me"? Time to start proving it or I'm just going to have to search through all your files to find my own stuff. And that could take up a lot of bandwidth.

Yeah, that's a threat.

Merry Christmas

Once again, I find that the months have flown by between posts. I know this. You know this. So, let's not pretend like I have a new excuse or anything. It's just life. It gets busy. I believe we all experience this from time to time.

But in my defense, I did get captured by Somali pirates while I was on a super secret, highly classified mission for the CIA. Any of you that have seen me around in the last two months have actually just been seeing a very advanced hologram created by our nation's top scientists in a hidden laboratory deep beneath the surface of the Earth. However, I escaped from the pirates just two days ago, completed my mission and have finally made it back here safe and sound.

And the first thing I thought to do was blog for you.

You feel bad now for getting all upset at my lack of posts, don't you?

It's cool. Your forgiven. But just remember, until you have the whole story be careful where those heated emotions may take you. That's our lesson for today.

Class dismissed.

Wait...! Actually, I came here for a purpose. Ah, yes. To wish each and every 3 of you (that's right, I have 3 readers now...) a very Merry Christmas.

The holidays can often be a time for Stacie and me that involves much planning and doing and preparing, which is great. But sometimes it's important to just slow down and know that it's all going to be fine if we don't get it all done. How can I know this? Well, I can't really. I guess if we did no planning and preparing, we'd feel pretty lame around the Christmas tree saying, "We were going to get you gifts and whatnot, but we just didn't get around to it. Love ya bunches, though!"

I'm very thankful for Stacie in that regard. She really helps to keep the throttle down on preparation where I'd rather we go grab a beer with friends and take care of it later. Sometimes my approach is necessary, but oftentimes hers is what gets us on top of our game for the holidays. So, for that, Stacie (when you read this) I'm thankful for you.

I don't write this to paint my wife with the brush of a fun-killer, though. Not true at all. She has a great way of combining getting stuff done and having a good time. I think that's because she has a motor that won't quit. She has a desire to always be accomplishing something and the ability to match it. I appreciate that. (If you ever read scouting reports on players before the NFL draft, you'll find all the best players are describe as having a great motor...Stacie would have been a very high draft pick.)

I also don't write this to paint myself as a loser husband who only wants to hang out with friends and be lazy. No, I just don't mix the two as well. I settle in and work or I shut it down and hang out. Sometimes we need to shut it down and sometimes we need our motors to be humming along. All of this is just another reason why Stacie and I are perfect for each other. You may all get grossed out at my affection now.

Regardless of your slant though (motor on or motor off---how did we get on motors?) it's important to take time to remember what we're celebrating. With so many holidays now, it seems to me we just celebrate. Why? Who cares! Let's party!

St. Patrick's Day!!! Yay!!! Drink green beer!!!!! Awesome!!!! Why...? Oh, cuz St. Patrick ran all the snakes out of Ireland. What? Why do we care?

Halloween!!! Yay!!! Get dressed up!!!! Get free candy!!!! Act like a fool!!!! Why...? Oh, cuz it's All Hallows Eve, the night before All Saints Day. And people dressed up as ghosts and ghouls and went to homes demanding offerings to keep the real ghosts and ghouls away...What...? Really...

And then there's Christmas. Yay!!! Christmas Trees and Santa!!! Presents!!!! Time off of work!!!! But why...because we celebrate the birth of Jesus, God's Son who offered Himself up as the sacrifice for mankind. The one who paid the ultimate price of death so that we could have a way to eternal life with God. (Of course, this required His resurrection as well.)(Side note - I know that people speak of a Pagan holiday that Christians overtook as their own and turned it into what we know as Christmas, but let's be honest, modern Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus.)

Maybe it's Chicago, but there's a lot of folks up here who celebrate Christmas, not just a holiday or one of the other religious holidays around this time, but Christmas. And they celebrate Christmas while having no regard for Christ, with no claim of being a Christian, much the way they celebrate St. Patrick's Day with no regard for St. Patrick and without being Irish.

I'm not saying they can't or shouldn't. But I do find it interesting.

There's plenty of people running around (or just being lazy) and not truly celebrating. It's just a holiday to check off of the list and have as much fun as possible around. I'm not saying they don't cherish family and friends or that they don't truly have a heart for the season. But as a Christian, I feel like it is important to take a step back and a deep breath and celebrate the birth of my Savior, who knew exactly who I'd be inside and out, the good and the bad, and still chose to take my place when my debt came time to be paid.

So, Merry Christmas to each and every one of you three. My own three wisemen coming to visit my blog at Christmas...where's my frakincense and myrrh?

Who Knows Where Thoughts Come From, They Just Appear

So, the official brother of Come and Blog It, Trait over at The Contemplative Tulsan (which I would have named "Tulsa Spelled Backwards is A Slut") recently posted a Random Thoughts piece. I like to do those every now and then and was inspired to do something I've been thinking about for a while.

I will use my Blackberry to take down the random thoughts that rattle around in my skull while I'm driving around selling tools. Then when I get home tonight, I'll post it.

You never know what I'll see or hear that will inspire my thought.

This should be interesting.

1) Where'd Kotter go? Was he gone long? What was he doing? I know everyone was really excited to have him back, but where the heck was he?

2) One of my accounts is hosting a charity bbq in September. They want me to give them something to raffle off. I say I'll see what I can do, but also say, why don't I also support you with a special deal on our tools during the event. Dude totally freaks out about not wanting to look like he's using a charity event to make money. Wants the event to just be about raising money for the charity. Thinks it would look bad to use it to make money.

Really dude? Who cares if you make money and raise money at the same time? Plus, like anyone thinks you're doing this 100% out of the kindness of your heart. If that were the case, you'd have this think in a park somewhere not in your store's parking lot.

If you were reading Atlas Shrugged right now like me, you'd be shaking your head at this, too.

3) The Fox River in northern Illinois is really pretty. I'd like to canoe it sometime. Or maybe kayak it. Canoes and kayaks are pretty much the same thing except you have more room for snacks in a canoe. I like snacks while boating, so I'd probably canoe it.

4) I miss The Ticket in Dallas. Great radio. I don't think there's a funnier radio segment than "Gay or Not Gay."

5) I love electricity. I mean, seriously, how cool is that stuff? And how cool is it that man harnessed this energy current that can totally kill him? While everyone was else was cowering during thunderstorms, crazy Ben Franklin was saying, "I wonder if I can catch the flash of light in the sky and do something with it." And he did.

Then crazy dudes like Edison and the extremely underrated Tesla took it to a whole new level. Sometimes I wish I had studied electricity, but then I realize that I probably have my screws secured too tightly to do anything spectacular like those guys.

6) So, I keep a pen clipped onto my shirt all the time. A salesman should have a pen and business cards on him at all times, no excuses. Well, about 3 visits ago, I went to use my pen and couldn't find it. I went back to my truck. I looked everywhere. Nothing.

I just found it. It was hanging out inside my shirt, gettin' all cozy with my belly button. I guess I missed when I went to clip it on.

7) I've met a couple of guys within the last week whose wives just up and left them. I have no idea what to say to that. It sucks. I don't feel like that will ever be something I'll go through, but it still challenges me to be the best husband I can be. Hopefully, I'm that already to her. And it makes me hurt for them. A lot of the time I have to write down things or I forget to pray for them. Not this. I feel like every couple of hours I get burdened to lift these dudes up.

8) I like to sing songs from The Sound of Music and get them stuck in other people's heads. By people I mean, Stacie.

"How do you solve a problem like Maria..."

"Edelweis, edelweis, every morning you greet me..."

"The hills are alive........with the sound of music....."

I hope I didn't just have my man card yanked. The Sound of Music has some very manly stuff in it: Nazis, rugged mountains, intrigue,, double agents, and rampant male chauvinism. It also has all the singing...and nuns...and making clothes out of curtains...and all the singing...

9) Good night, Wesley. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Well, there you have it. A day riding around with Ty's brain. Hope you found it to be...better than what you would have been doing otherwise.

Where've Y'all Been?

My blog has been looking all over for you.

Last time we saw you was sometime in April. You may think that this is my fault, but you'd be looking at the situation all wrong. No. You see, my blog and I have been out looking for you.

In May, we went to Milwaukee for a week to look for you. Twice. You weren't there which wasn't entirely surprising, but we had to start somewhere, right? Since I was in Milwaukee and my company was putting on some training sessions, I decided to participate in those. I was there anyway, right?

Then later in May we went to Dallas to see if we could find you. We didn't find you, but we did have a great time celebrating our little niece, Hallie's, first birthday and we saw lots of family. Me, Come and Blog It and my wife.

We also looked for y'all on the golf course once in May. I shot a 108. You weren't there either. Well, you weren't in the rough, the water or any of the sand traps. It's possible you were on the fairways or the greens.

Then, in early June, we found one of you. My cuz, Kelli came up to Chi to hang out. We had a really good time looking for the rest of you. We looked at a Reckless Kelly concert and at Mary Poppins downtown. No luck. We looked for you at the Green City Market in Lincoln Park and ate some delicious crepes while our eyes darted back and forth scanning the area. We even looked for you during my flag football playoff game. Our quarterback must have been looking for you, too because he threw 4 interceptions leading us to a nice beat down.

Kelli left town then, and we were back to square one.

Next thing I knew, it was my birthday. We decided to take a break from looking for you then. It was my birthday after all. I turned 29. I contemplated writing something poignant and introspective about that to try and lure you out, but I knew you wouldn't fall for that kind of cheese. Plus, the more I thought about it the less it seemed that turning 29 mattered.

After my birthday, we went back to the hardcore search for my readers. We looked at Million Dollar Quartet which is a musical that relives the one and only time Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley played together at Sun Records. We were really surprised to not find any of you there because it was awe-wait for it-some!

Then we checked at Schuba's at The Damnwells concert. Not surprised you weren't there. I've been to two of their live shows and they just haven't wowed me. Love their music, just not live.

Then, I put on a fake mustache and we went looking for you...you know, just in case you were intentionally hiding from us. We went to see a band called Stache, too while we were at it. No luck there either.

You had to be sad since we couldn't find you anywhere, so we thought what better place to go than the House of "Blues". We had a whole team of folks out looking for you there. We even got way up high in an opera box so we could look down on the poor saps in general admission...sorry, but we thought you might be one of the saps.

The Avett Brothers happened to be playing there, too. You weren't there, but man, you should have been. The Avett Brothers live is one of the coolest musical experiences on the face of the earth right now. I would describe it for you right now, but trying to use mere words to describe that show would be useless and futile. Find out when they are coming to your area, call my friends Cory and Millie and go with them. Trust me, they'll come for the Avetts.

We spent the Fourth of July searching for you with my friends Lance and Kali. However, unless you were at Game Stop or on my couch while we played Grand Slam Tennis and Mario Strikers then once again my search was a failure. We also tried to find you at Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder. Once again, no luck. But man, was that a delicious place to look for y'all.

Finally, we thought we'd try looking for you in Dallas again since we were a bit preoccupied during our last search there. We looked for you at Trinity Hall with my brother-in-law and soon to be brother-in-law. Then we searched La Hacienda Ranch. After that we searched The Village Church during my wife's little sister's wedding. But it was 103 degrees that day and I was in a black suit, so I probably was a little to focused on me to find you that day.

After all of that, I thought of one last place that I hadn't looked. And here you are. All of you, right there at your own computer. Some of you are procrastinating at work. A few of you are just killing time on a Saturday afternoon. Many of you are uncontrollably weeping tears of joy now that we've reconnected. I can't say I blame you for that.

Well, I feel much better now that I've found y'all. Try not to go disappearing on me again for so long if you can help it, okay?

Day One down. Can I get to Day 2?

P90X.

Ever heard of it?

I decided a few weeks ago that it was something I needed to try for a couple of reasons. But before I get into that, let me tell you what exactly is this P90X I speak of. To put it simply, it is a workout program you can do from the comfort of your own home.

To give be more specific, you pay a guy to come to your home and smack you around every morning. Well, he doesn't actually show up. But he's right there on my TV, gloating about how he could "do a hundred of these push ups" while I struggle to execute my 12th.

What possessed me to invite such a barbarian into my home?

Great question. See, my friend PJ introduced me to the program a few weeks ago. He's been doing it, and it's muscled him up a bit. I've been wanting to get back the muscle definition I used to have for a while now, but even when I would go to the gym I always did the same things and never really progressed like I wanted.

Plus, the way I see it, I can order P90X, buy the necessary equipment I need and I'm out $300 or so. To keep my gym membership (in Chicago, mind you) for a year is almost a grand. Granted P90X is a 90 day workout. But let's be honest, did I go to the gym 90 days last year?

Actually, I think I did, but certainly not enough to justify the expense. And once I finish this program, hopefully, I'll be fit enough to maintain my sweet bod with regular running and biking and push ups and such. We'll see.

There's another little thing, the mean man in the TV has insisted I do.

Eat smartly.

He even gave me a book.

I should throw it at him.

I kid, I kid. I actually eat okay. Thankfully, I married a woman who, other than her notorious candy-loving sweet tooth and occasional craving for cheap hot wings, likes to eat fresh and healthy. Ergo, I eat fresh and healthy.

But still, with me doing all of this work, I don't want to screw it up by eating so-so. So, I guess the only bacon I'll be seeing for a while will be this guy:

Hit me with that fine strip o' bacon!

Bye-bye, Reese's Pieces that I love so much. Adios, too much chips and guacamole.

Those are pretty much my food vices.

I did Day One this morning. I was pretty sure that I was going to throw up half-way through, but I just paused it and laid on the floor with my eyes closed for a few minutes. Then I unpaused and the jerk told me that it was okay to push the pause button but don't sit down. He suggested I "shake it out", whatever that means. "It" was definitely almost "out" though, for sure.

Can I make Day Two? I think so. But Day 90? Lord, beer me strength.

The Other Side of the Table

I've had a thought several times, but for some reason or another I just haven't put it out there yet, but basically it goes like this:

There are a lot of seriously unqualified people out there affecting people's lives.

Exhibit A: I was recently at the University of Illinois doing first-round interviews of students for our recruiting process.

Read into that what you will. The point is, I'm looking across the table at these kids, and I'm thinking, "I'm just a kid. What am I doing?" And I'm betting they're thinking, "Seriously? This guy's just a kid." I don't know. Maybe I don't look like a kid anymore, but although I'm almost out of my upper middle twenties, I don't know that I'll ever see my self as a real adult.

It was weird being on the other side of the table for a change. And you know what was the worst? I was nervous. Not as nervous as when I interviewed for jobs, but I still had a few butterflies in the basket, yet I was supposed to be "in charge." Why was I nervous to grill some kids on why they should come work for us? Who knows...?

Exhibit B: Congress.

Take a little trip through the bios of our Senators and Representatives if you've got time. Most of them have zero experience in the real world outside of politics. Sure they were smart enough to get into a great school, get a law degree or whatever, but why does that coupled with getting elected a few times all of the sudden give you the necessary experience to make decisions that affect the entire country and parts of the world? Seriously, just begin to peruse the bios of the people running this country and think about whether you'd hire these folks to manage a car wash for you, let alone decide how to confiscate and then spend billions upon billions of dollars.

Exhibit C: High School Coaches

I made several decisions and formulated several thoughts and ideas in high school based on information gathered from my high school coaches. Now, I'm not lumping every coach into this category. I know a lot of good ones who may even wind up being great ones. Coaches that I would have no problem teaching my future-as-of-yet-non-existent children things. Take my friend Zach for example. Great guy, I'm sure a great coach and one who really imparts valuable things to kids.

But many of my coaches didn't even want to be coaches. As I look back with "more grown-up" eyes. I can see that their intersection with my life was just a pit stop on the way to figuring out who they were. But there they were, teaching me how to block and tackle and hit like they were experts. There they were, giving advice on life and lessons on how to live as a young man as though they had perfected it. There they were, putting me and many others I'm sure in the wrong position because that was easier than taking the time to figure out where a young kid might be most successful down the road.

All of these examples, me included, are instances where one person or a group of people make important decisions and perform important tasks that affect other people's lives. I just don't believe people take that responsibility seriously enough. And I certainly don't believe that just because a person is in a position of authority that means they are qualified for said position of authority.

Growing up is weird. It changes my perspective. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's Important to Build Rapport With Your Audience

I decided about 5 minutes ago that I was done working for the day. I had a whole list of tasks to get done that I started at 8AM. I have accomplished all that I can for the day; I'm tired, so I decided to do the only thing that made sense to me.

Stop working and go play The Legend of Zelda on my Wii.

Oh, that's right...old school Nintendo on my shiny new toy. Stacie and I played Zelda last night until 11.30. Any of your wives play Nintendo with y'all until 11.30 at night? Didn't think so. I win.

Last night I mentioned that we needed to find Link's boomerang to which Stacie responded, "Who's Link?" Well, it turns out she's not alone in her lack of knowledge. A quick search of the world wide web will inform you that most people think the character you use in The Legend of Zelda is, in fact, Zelda. But Zelda is the princess you are trying to save from the Evil Gannon. I'm pretty sure you don't see her at all in the entire game, so it can be understandable why one might think Link is actually Zelda.

I wrote that last paragraph in order to prove to you the vastness of the knowledge bouncing around in my brain. You see, if I convince you that I am knowledgeable in completely useless things, hopefully you will count me as knowledgeable in very useful things. It's called building rapport with the audience. Each time I build rapport with you in this post, I will note it with an * so that you can pause and really appreciate the moment.

Obviously, I am not saving Princess Zelda right now. Zelda has been in need of saving since July of 1987* so I figure she can wait a few more minutes. A lot has happened over the past few days (such as the PlayStation cell phone being put on hold due to less than desirable technical quality*) and I feel like I should comment.

First, we inaugurated America's first not-completely-white President*. Yes that's a rapport building asterisk there because I'm pretty sure everyone thinks he is black. He is. But he is equally white. Truly a president for all!! Except the Hispanics...and Native Americans...and Asians. Did I pull everyone into my very inclusive circle there. Well, if your ethnicity was not listed this is for you "...and Other/Choose Not to Answer." Actually...that's what President Obama would have to check!

If I missed anybody, I'm pretty sure Joseph Lowery, who helped lead the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955*, covered them.

Someday, as a white, I hope to do what is right. Amen.

In related current events, President Bush must have felt lighter than air (to find the weight of air: m/V = p / RT = 101325 N/m2 * 1 m3 / (287 J/kg-K * 273.15 K) = 1.2925 kg/m3)* when he woke up Wednesday morning. The weight of the world ( 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms, though technically that is the mass of the earth because we get weight from the earth's gravity which obviously doesn't pull on itself)* was literally off of his shoulders. In the now 7.5 years following 9/11 he has done what he promised to do and ensured no terrorist attack took place on American soil under his watch. Everything else is debatable, but that one point is not. And for that and for his service I say thank you. I had the chance to meet and interact with President Bush once when he was the Governor of the Great State*. He's a good man. Much like I'm sure President Obama is a good man. To disagree with his policies and decisions is one thing, but to treat the man like a dog's turd is a whole other story. I trust that he did what he thought was right and what he thought was best for the country. I trust that Obama will do what he believes is right and best for the country. I'll probably disagree with him a lot, but I will never come close to showing him the disrespect President Bush was showered with daily and hopefully no one else will either. I wonder what a Bush presidency would've looked like if 9/11 never happened...

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. I did not see that coming. The Cardinals last home playoff game was in 1947 in CHICAGO! And now they've won two home games and a road game and are on their way to Tampa. (Notice I did not put an asterisk next to that Cardinals tidbit because of the overkill that is Super Bowl hype I'm pretty sure most of you already knew that. But for those of you that didn't, add it to that big ol' stack of rapport I've got goin' on.)

I for one hope the Cardinals win. Not because I hate the Steelers with all the burning hotness of 10,000 suns (and I'm talking about the very hot center of the sun which reaches about 27,000,000 degrees F not the chilly 10,000 degree F surface of the sun.)* Okay that is part of the reason. I mean can you blame me. This happened:



But as a fan of a team that loses a lot (roughly a .348 winning percentage since 1991)* I feel like if the Cardinals can get it together, anything is possible. And Kurt Warner is a Renaissance man.

Let's see...PETA decided to rebrand fish as SeaKittens....hahahahahahaha...they hope this gets people to see fish as cute and cuddly not as food...hahahahahahahah....that might be the funniest thing ever. I mean, first they probably should've done SeaPuppies because I'm pretty sure the people that are getting up at 3AM, getting in their truck, going to the lake, boating to their favorite fishing hole and pulling out SeaKittens probably are dog people. Just a guess. They'd probably be okay with a few less cats...that's good stuff. Secondly, you can't just change a name. Shakespeare said it first, a rose by any other name*...

Well, kids, I've gotta jet. I'm taking my wife to see a play tonight. It's got Jeffrey Donovan from Burn Notice in it. If you don't watch Burn Notice, you should. It's kind of like MacGyver, but cooler and newer. New season starts tonight on USA.

I feel like I've built up some great rapport with you here today. We hit on some personal stuff, civil rights, math and science, video game history, and even literature. I'm a wealth of knowledge. Trust me.

The Most Ridiculous Post Ever

I've got to be honest with you. I mean, if I'm not honest here, then what's the point of putting virtual pen to virtual paper for the world to read. Ok. Maybe 0.00000021% of the world to read. (That would be 15 of the roughly 6,700,000,000 who currently reside on our planet for those who need to know how I got there.)

I don't feel much like writing at this moment. So, why am I writing, you might ask? I can't really blame you for asking such intelligent questions. I've always told everyone that I have the smartest readership of all the "________ and Blog It" titled blogs. There's the readers of Go and Blog It. They're morons. Stay and Blog It's readership: Imbeciles. Leave and Blog It may have the dumbest readers of them all, though, but I think we all know why that is...and because of that author we also know that grain augers, fireworks and an old taxi cab are not toys. Right kids?

But somehow I've gotten off topic. Why write when I feel so unlike writing?

Well, I've had several moments over the past couple of weeks where I've really wanted to write. Something would hit me, and at that moment I would really want to grab my keyboard and pound it like I'm kneading a big ball of dough. A ball of dough that will rise on my computer screen, and once I hit publish, will then bake into a delicious loaf of awesomeness that we'll all slice and butter and devour as if we were aliens from the planet NoDough who've never experienced the sensation of warm bread and melted butter igniting our purple taste buds on our green alien tongues causing us to exclaim, "Scnlets chpaqy!"

Sadly, though, I've been bogged down in the marshy goo of work. I've felt like Bart, the railroad worker turned Sheriff in Blazing Saddles, when he was sinking in the quicksand on the push car. And his boss comes by and throws a rope, but sadly only to salvage the push car, leaving Bart to search for the sunken rails of the train track and inch his way to the solid earth of safety once more. I have yet to find my sunken rails in the mire of work, however. But when I get out I'm definitely gonna (SPOILER ALERT) hit my boss over the head with a shovel, get arrested and scheduled to be hung and then get miraculously freed to become the Sheriff of Rock Ridge.

So, why now? Why this post? Let's start with the second question first. I have several starts to posts that I found interesting at some point, but they weren't inspiring me quite enough especially with inadequate time to address them. And I feel that may be the case because I've been gone for a bit and feel like we need to catch up. So, I thought it best that we reacquaint ourselves with one another before I get into some post full of deep thoughts and challenging rhetoric. Mixed with tear-inducing hilarity, of course.

So, hello, my name is Ty. I like road trips, Robert Earl, reading, reveling, rafting, roller coasters, Ricky Ricardo, Rounders and alliteration.

There. I feel much better. Now, perhaps I will be able to post something with substance.

And as to the second question, which, of course, is actually the first question now moved to the second position: I just had to. I needed a break from working. I had to take my eyes off of the computer screen, close them and just type away. Like this: "i canoot bleieve I'm typing with my eyes closed. this is Awesome@". Actually that wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

I wanted to post. I tried to post. I couldn't post. And then, I said, "No way man! You are posting. Whether you like it or not."

So, I decided to post the most ridiculous things that came to my brain. And I don't know your thoughts, but I'd say, "Goal Achieved." I would say "Mission Accomplished" but that's kind of lost it's meaning unless one is parachuting down to an air craft carrier with a banner behind them that reads "Mission Accomplished" you know? I went to Kinko's but they were all out of banners, so let's just go with "Goal Achieved."

We Didn't Know What to Think of Him...

Until He Sang "Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad."

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Currently, I am two states closer to Texas, hanging out in Tulsa, Oklahoma with all of my side of the family. Well, most of it anyway. And thus far it has been fantastically entertaining. Families can be that way when they all get together.

My brother had knee-surgery on Monday morning. We got here on Monday evening. So half the time has been spent getting his knee in and out of the rehab machine and helping him out with various necessities. Plus we've got him all hopped up on pain pills. No one minds, but we would obviously all rather he be up and running around with all of us. Poor guy has been down and out for the family craziness.

To top it off, Sara, Trait's wife, came down with strep throat just before his surgery. Sara bounced back with a vengeance Tuesday evening, though, which was great since Donald (my step-dad) had promised to take her and Stacie on a shopping spree for their Christmas present. However that left my mom and I as the only two able bodied people there to cook dinner, care for Cale (my one year old nephew) and care for Trait. We got 'er done, though.

And the girls had a great time on their shopping spree. Two days before Christmas, these two ladies went with Donald to the mall and about three hours later returned with the kind of spoils that would take me 2 weeks of shopping to acquire. Nice work, ladies!

Our two dogs are here, too, and at first were quarantined to the backyard. But if you've ever met Reese and Bradie, you know that they don't like to not be around people, and they are very persistent. So after much back door scratching, we've finally quarantined them to the kitchen, where their main jobs are to not get hair on the carpet in the other rooms and to be vacuum cleaners for the kitchen floor.

There is so much food here, that I can't fathom how we could possibly eat it all. Dessert, enchiladas, casseroles, nachos, Little Debbie snacks, fruit, more dessert, chips, steaks, potatoes, turkey, more dessert...if we can all fit through the door to head out it will be a miracle. All the moms (Angie, my mom, and Sara's mom Kelli) have been cooking up a storm. It is a very delicious Christmas.

I've gotten in one game of Scrabble with my mom so far. It was a barn burner, too. We were tied 250-250 with only about 1/4 of the game to go. I ended up winning but only because I was able to land the word "entertain" on a triple word score. We've also played one game of Cranium with the fam, but we have yet to settle that beautiful Island of Catan. Maybe later.

But the funniest part so far is how often we've had to run back and forth to the store. It's just like the Robert Earl Keen song "Merry Christmas from the Family." The first one was a run for ice. I said to Trait, "Hey man, should I get an extension cord, too." He got the joke. If you know the song, you get it, too. Now we've made four or five subsequent trips to the "Kwik Pak Store" to get "some ice and an extension cord."

But we have yet to make Bloody Mary's "because we all want one." We still have one morning left...

It's great to get to be with my whole family on Christmas. I hope you are enjoying your families this Christmas season as well. And we'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas from the Family!

Fightin' Texas Aggie Repost

So, it's Thanksgiving Day and Stacie and I are serving dinner to some friends of ours that are stranded here in Chi-town with us over the holiday. I wanted to post something for those of you who may be bored at your parents' house and are checking every site that you know to pass the time. But since we are cleaning and cooking, the best I can do is revisit a post of Thanksgiving past. 2006 to be precise. Oh and as for the title, when you do something over and you went to Texas A&M, it should be called a "Fightin' Texas Aggie Re-fill in the blank." Rebag if you're going back to bed. Retake if you dropped a course. Rebeer if you need another beer. Re-anything really.

So for your reading pleasure a Fightin' Texas Aggie Repost:

WHO GIVES YOU THE BIRD ON THANKSGIVING?

And I'm not talking about your grandma serving you some delicious turkey either.

I'm talking about driving down the road on Thanks-freaking-giving Day and getting the bird from two dudes in a pickup. Not kids either. One was no less than 45. The other, no less than 60.

Let me take you back there with me. (Do that Wayne's World thing with your hands and make that "doo-dee-doo, doo-dee doo" noise now, please.)

So, I'm driving to my Aunt Nedra's to see my dad's side of the family for Thanksgiving. We got up early that morning, took the dogs to Carrollton and now it's about 8:30 AM, and we are cruising.

The next thing you know there is a cop on the side of the road with someone pulled over. (Now keep in mind...I am not speeding. Been busted for that twice this year already, so I posess extra motivation to drive the speed limit.)

So, what do people do when they see a cop? They all slow way down and get in the lane opposite where he has someone pulled over. So far so good. We all move to the left lane. Then, when you pass by the cop you resume your normal speed.

Here's where our story takes a foul turn. Pun intended.

Everyone but a truck two spots ahead of me speeds up. I can see this guy is on his phone. No big deal if you don't want to speed up, but pull to the right if you're going to go 57 in a 70. He never moves, so the car in front of me begins to pass him on the right.

I think to myself, "Okay...I'll do that, too."

The only problem is that when this guy realizes he's only going 57 and he's being passed on the right he decides to speed up. At this point I am ahead of him, but not so far ahead as to make the safest move into his lane. I see I am coming very quickly upon the truck ahead of me. What to do?

No way am I not getting in here. This dudes just being a jerk now that he knows he's getting passed. So I mash it and slide in between him and the truck, with plenty of room to spare, but I'm sure Mr. Indecisive had to put the brakes on.

Well, now Mr. Indecisive is very decisive. He decides to ride my tail as close as he can. His truck is slightly larger than mine, but I'm not intimidated. I do however decide that if he wants to speed, I'll let him by.

So I get around the semi beside me and pull to the right. He begins to pass me, but instead of passing on by, slows to my speed so we are even and issues his unseasonal gesture. Along with his old man in the seat next to him.

I'm pretty shocked, but pretend not to see it. Don't want to give them any pleasure, you know?

The car behind us saw it, though. And then they speed up to us and in an effort to make sure we see it, proceed to return the same gesture to the men in the pickup as they pass them...on the right.

We soon enter a construction zone so I have to follow behind these guys for miles. 68S-MJ2. 68S-MJ2.

When we leave the construction zone, these men have forgotten, once again, the speed limit, but they are at least on the right side of the road. As I speed up to 70 again, I slide by them and never glance their way. Like I never even noticed their unseemly act.

On Thanksgiving Day.

That's One, Mr. Obama

Not yet even inaugurated and the Obama Administration has already affected my life in a negative way.

I've read plenty this morning touting the historical significance of the moment and how whether we agree with Obama's policies or not, his administration could be a good thing for the country. Well, since I was probably the first person to be touched in a personal way, I feel I must share.

You may have noticed last night that there was a huge rally for Obama in Grant Park in downtown Chicago. You may have also noticed that I live in Chicago. You may have also noticed that yesterday was a Tuesday. And it might also have come to your attention in previous posts that I play flag football on Tuesday nights.

You see where I'm going here?

I lost my football game last night.

Big time.

Obama had the audacity (see how I flipped it on him) to schedule his big rally on a Tuesday night in Chicago and managed to swipe several of my fellow football players to come "support" him. As if he needed more support. You know what I needed? More football players!!

So what did I do? I grabbed a couple of guys I'd never met before who had just finished up a game and practically begged them to help us have enough people to field a team.

Mr. Obama, I laid down my dignity in an effort to win a football game because of you.

Have you ever tried to win a flag football game with your own team let alone a hodgepodge group?

Well, I tried. We were out of sync. We couldn't protect the quarterback. We couldn't cover their receivers.

Sure you could blame this on our athletic ability or the fact that we don't have a great playbook.

But why take responsibility for this loss myself when I know good and well that the President of the United States is supposed to do everything in his power to ensure I am successful.

And that would include moving his rally to Wednesday night. Or maybe even doing it earlier in the day to get it out of the way. We all knew who was gonna win this thing anyway. Get your celebratin' done so I can have a full team!

That's one, Obama.

Don't make me get to three.

Man Moments

For some reason yesterday morning, I thought back to a time in college. I'm not entirely sure what caused this momentary flashback, but it was there.

"Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear." Empire Records. Anybody?

Anywho. So, I was taken back to a night during my junior year standing outside of a friend's house. We had just finished with a meeting for an organization when one of the guys there said his truck wouldn't start. Naturally, all of the men began to walk that direction to assess the situation. Usually my assessment would go something like this:

"Pop the hood."

hood pops open

"Yep. That's an engine."

looks a little closer

"Something's keeping that thing from turning on."

closes hood

However, that night as he turned the key, I heard a familiar sound. I knew what was wrong. I knew what was wrong.

Anybody got a screwdriver, I ask. Next thing I know, screwdriver in hand, I crawl underneath the truck, locate the starter and begin tapping on it. He turns the key and the engine comes to life.

I tell him that his starter is failing and that he should probably get that taken care of soon. He drives away probably thinking I'm a car genius. That's not true in the slightest. I've just come across starter related issues before and was in the right place at the right time.

But here's what I was thinking about: that made me feel like such a stud. Manly, you know? I mean, c'mon, crawling under a pickup and fixing a mechanical problem. It felt good.

I think we need that as men. Those moments when we totally come through in a traditionally manly way. That's not to say that a woman couldn't do what I did. Heck, I guarantee you that my cousin Kelli knows much more about the inner workings of an engine than I do, but my point is men need to have manly moments.

Which leads me to last night.

I find three things curious about what led to the events of last night:

1) The story I just told you about remembering feeling particularly manly.

2) The fact that I was unusually careful about which shirt I chose to wear to my flag football game last night. Selecting one, that I knew I could sort of replace if I chose to do so.

3) The fact that I had just had a conversation with my sales manager about how it takes a bit longer to recover from sports injuries than it did a few years ago.

So, last night I head to my football game a little more pumped than usual. Why? Because I was playing quarterback.

I hadn't played a game at QB since I've moved to Chicago. The team I found to play on was already assembled and already has their quarterback, and he does a good job. It just so happens that he couldn't make the game last night, so I nominated myself for the job of fill-in. I was pumped up, but also nervous because I wanted to make a good impression and win the game, so I was hoping the rust wasn't too thick.

The first drive was awesome. We moved the ball right down the field and scored a touchdown. That definitely calmed the nerves a little.

Sadly, the next drive I threw a pick six. Underthrowing my intended target on a short flag route (the receiver runs straight and then breaks at an angle toward the sideline.)

To get you to the point of this story quickly, a blown call cost us one touchdown (as I was reaching the ball across the goal line the defender hacked my arm causing me to fumble; attempting to strip the football isn't legal in flag but it went uncalled). And their only offensive score came on a deep pass against one of our more reliable defenders (fluke.)

Fast forward to the last few minutes. We're down 14-6 and we're driving. We were fired up and wanted to win this game. I had found some success running the football when the coverage was good, so with about 30 seconds left in the game and us driving I decided to take off.

I slip through a couple of defenders, and as I approach another I decide to spin and hope that keeps him from pulling my flags.

And that's when the lights went out.

Next thing I know, I 'm on the ground. I remember spinning. I remember a flash of pain. And what sounded in my head like a car crashing.

My hands are on my face. Blood is on my hands. Stars are in my head.

Slowly everything starts to settle down. I know that the refs have stopped the game. Someone says there are nineteen seconds left.

I sit up. Then I stand up, wiping blood on my shirt. My carefully chosen shirt. The tears from the initial impact have faded away. I can see pretty clearly. My face hurts, but other than that, I'm okay.

The refs are pulling me off the field. My team is finding a QB.

"I can play," I tell no one in particular. "I'm gonna play."

"No. You have to see the medic," says the ref. "Lie down here. Tilt your head back."

I do as he says. He tells me the medic is right over there, and I should go see him.

"Tell him to come here, " I say.

He goes and gets the medic. I stand up as he comes over.

"Oh...,"he says. "Let's see. Yeah. That's broken. Here's an ice pack and here's..."

"Can I play?" I interrupt. "There's nineteen seconds left. Then I'll be right back here to see you."

"I guess. Are you sure you want to?"

I go back on the field. The team had already sorted out the new positions, but I tell them I'm good; let's finish this.

*I must note here that my friend Cory Minton did attempt to get me to go and sit down and not play. (This should keep him in slightly less hot water with Stacie for not stopping me.)

We're about 16 or 17 yards from the end zone at this point. On the very first play with my new look nose, I attempt a pass but get hammered by the defensive lineman who was rushing.

In flag football.

No sympathy on this field tonight. The clock stops for the penalty.

12 seconds left.

Incomplete pass. Clock stops.

5 seconds left. Last chance.

I drop back. I look right and as I my eyes scan to the other side of the field I see a hole opening up and my receiver, Chris Bartas, moving right towards it. I throw. He catches.

Touch. Down.

14-12.

Sadly, we don't convert the two-point try, so the story ends with a loss. But I have to be honest with you. That was a moment that I felt like a man. Throwing a pontentially game tying touchdown with a broken nose. How many people have done that?

I don't tell you this story to boast in our near comeback. I don't tell you this story to let you know that I am now the proud owner of a broken nose (though some of you probably need to know that, so, hey I broke my nose).

No, I tell you this story because as men, we need to take opportunities to feel like men. We need to remind ourselves that being a man has nothing to do with the losers we see portrayed in modern sitcoms. Or the losers we see in modern advertising who can only be motivated if the end result includes beer, TV or women.

There are the everyday moments when we can achieve this feeling. And then there are the bigger moments that come around less frequently.

It was as if throughout the day, I was being prepared for my mid-sized man moment and the backstory for this post. And it felt good to step up to the challenge. I encourage you to do likewise.

A Tale of Two Feelings

A couple of weeks ago, I was at Casey Moran's (a local public house next to Wrigley Field), and I felt the weirdest thing I may have ever felt. No, it wasn't the dollar cheeseburger I'd just pounded. And it wasn't the free 3-1-2 I was drinking either. It may have had something to do with the measly pay I'd just received for working my hind parts off at Lollapalooza. But, that was not it either.

I walked into Casey Moran's for our paycheck pick-up party wondering to myself if I could get the Texas Ranger's game on TV while we were there, but to my surprise I noticed almost every TV had the Bears' preseason opener beaming back at me (the other TVs had Cubs and Sox on them). Of course, I was not surprised that a Bears' game was on TV in a Chicago bar. What surprised me was that preseason football had started already. And I was a little surprised at how into it Bears' fans are.

And then it dawned on me...it's here. Hey everybody! Football season is here! Time to draft your fantasy teams! Make sure your TV is set up properly! Dance in the streets! Shout from the rooftops! After seven long months of darkness, the light will shine again soon!


Hooray, Football Season! Old School Style!

And then...something else entered my joyful heart. Something not so joyful. Something sad.

You see, in Chicago the dawning of football season also means the dying of summer. In Texas, the birth of a new football season comes with no such sacrifice. If anything we only move to a cooler summer, but it's still summer. But not here. Soon, the leaves will change colors. The days will grow short. The snow will fall. The people will shovel.

The city is alive right now. With the sound of music...wait. That's the hills. The city is alive with the sound of summer. Beach volleyball. Patio seating. Barbecue grills. Dogs swimming. Flip-flops flipping. And flopping.

But to have football season arrive means to have summer take a few final bows and exit from the stage. No matter how hard we shout, "Encore!" our summer will yield the stage for 8 more months.

So for the first time in my life, I am torn at the arrival of football season. Damn you, old man winter! You'll rue the day you did this to me. I will single-handedly lead the charge for global warming and "Old Man Winter" can become "Dead Man Winter" which will give way to, " 'Daddy, tell me about Winter. Was it cold?' 'Oh, son, Winter is just a myth. It never really existed. Like O'Doul's and Coors Cutter.'"

However, being that it is football season and there's nothing that I can do to stop it, I now present to you my annual prediction of how this NFL season will play out. I think I need a name for it, but I'll work on that next year. Last year, I was miserably inaccurate so if I pick your team to win something I'd try not to get your hopes up this year. As always, I will critique myself at year's end and you are no longer obligated to read on if "sports aren't really your thing".

AFC NORTH:

Might as well start at the division that is home to my favorite team, the Cincinnati Bengals. When the laughter dies down we'll begin.



Have we all composed ourselves?

I think this division may have the most negative question marks (as opposed to the NFC East which I think has the most positive question marks). You see, the Steelers are having some offensive line issues, the Ravens are having major QB issues, the Bengals have defense and offensive sync issues and the Browns have defensive back and "was last year for real" issues.

Out of all these teams, I see the Steelers having the most success because Ben Rothlisberger is a QB that is capable of making the line look good with some mobility and the fact that he is 8'10" and refuses to fall down when someone hits him. Excuse me while I go call Ralph on the Big White Phone after praising Ben.

Ok. Plus the Steelers have a solid defense. Sadly, I have to give them the nod. Most likely the order of the next three teams won't matter since the AFC North drew the AFC and NFC East to play this year and therefore have some of the toughest out of division schedules in the league. I'm guessing the wild card comes from somewhere else.

1. Pittsburgh
2. Cleveland
3. Cincinnati
4. Baltimore

NFC NORTH:

This division has some interesting story lines this year. Aaron Rodgers takes over for Brett Favre, can Adrian Peterson stay healthy for a full season, will the Bears ever find a QB, and can the Lions start out 6-2 and miss the playoffs again?

The answer to who wins the division is hidden in one of those story lines, but far be it from me to guess how this will shake out. Oh, wait, I am guessing how it will shake out. Let's see...eenie, meenie, miney, mo...I kid, I kid.

I think the Packers have this thing. They return a pretty solid defense from last year and if Rodgers can just drive the bus through the parking lot that is the NFC North without crashing it into a light pole the Pack should win the division title. Their only competition should be from the Vikings who boast a fantastic defense and running game, but a QB who hit a few cones last year driving the bus.

"They were cones!"



1. Green Bay
2. Minnesota
3. Chicago
4. Detroit

AFC SOUTH:

This division is pretty straightforward. If Peyton Manning is healthy, the Colts should take the title. If not, that doesn't mean they won't take the title, but everyone else might have a shot. Right now, Peyton is a little banged up, but promises to be fine for the season opener, so we all know who my numero uno in this division-o is going to be. But what about the two spot?

Jaguars? David Garrard played really well last year, only throwing two interceptions. The running game is solid and so is the defense. Wide receiver is a big question mark right now, though, so if I need a first down to seal a win or extend a drive who do I go to?

Titans? This team has quite possibly the leagues most exciting player on their team. I speak of Vince Young, naturally. But for some unknown reason, the Titans haven't even pretended to try to get him a real receiving threat. The rest of the team around VY is a bit average.

Texans? I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and be proud of the team that bears such a magnificent name, but so far, I've been bamboozled. Hoodwinked. I been had! It seems like the pieces are finally in place: a solid, young defense; a potential star at running back; a fantastic wide out; a very serviceable tight end; and a QB who has the potential to not suck. Is this team ready to play or am I getting the business again?

1. Indianapolis
2. Houston
3. Jacksonville
4. Tennessee

NFC SOUTH:

Oh, NFC South...I don't believe I've ever even gotten close to figuring you out. That leaves me to only one conclusion. You must be a woman. Well, Ms. South, shall we dance again? I'll lead. Try to keep up this time.

The Saints were the hot pick last year. I even picked them to go to the Super Bowl after their fantastic 2006 season. And now what? Do I pick them again? They seem to have all the pieces including newly acquired TE Jeremy Shockey. Their defense may have seen better days, but that offense is scary-ish and performed well at the end of last season.

The Buccaneers have 18 QBs on their roster, so you have to think one of them can throw. They have a defense named after them (the Tampa 2) and they have a coach that fielded a winning team for the Raiders. Interesting.

I like the Panthers every year because my friend Patrick is a Panthers' fan. Well, that's not the only reason. I also like their defense which may have a healthy Julius Peppers. I like Jake Delhomme, too, though he's been known to kill a game or two with the pick-6. But it's not like the Panthers are awful. And now I've met another guy that's a Panthers fan...what to do?

The Falcons...hmmm...so they're sans Dog Killer, and everyone is pretty certain their the worst team in the league. I'm not so sure I agree with that theory (which probably means they are the worst team in the league.) First of all, Matt Ryan is their starting QB. Sure he's a rookie, but what does he have to lose. Everyone thinks they're going to suck mightily so the pressure should be off. They also plucked Michael Turner from free agency. The dude had 4 carries for 113 yards in a preseason game already. I'm not ready to give this team the heave-ho yet.

But seriously, the division makes me feel like Kramer trying to fill in for Movie Phone.

"Why Don't You Just Tell Me What Order You're Going to Finish In!?"



1. New Orleans
2. Tampa Bay
3. Atlanta
4. Carolina

AFC WEST:

This should be a pretty straightforward division as well. The Chargers are one of the best teams in the league thanks to a very respectable defense and a man known simply as LT. Plus ol' Phil Rivers probably won't cost them any ballgames, so what's not to like. Well, Shawn Merriman apparently is playing on a pretty banged up knee. Other than that, I've got nothing.

So on to the race to be VP of this western ticket (it is election season after all). The Raiders...? They do have Darren McFadden. They are just not a well-run organization right now...sorry, Raiders, you're not on the short-list.

Chiefs, then? Damon Huard is not going to last very long in a debate with Jay Cutler. Neither is Brodie Croyle. But I do like Larry Johnson and Dwayne Bowe. I'd like them more if they were on a good team.

So, by default we're gonna have to go with the Broncos. Woo-hoo! Chargers-Broncos 2008! Hope! Change!

1. San Diego
2. Denver
3. Oakland
4. Kansas City

NFC WEST:

Remember when this used to be a good division...the 49ers, led by Joe Montana. The LA Rams led by...hmmm...the Falcons with their...wait NFC west? The Saints and how they...wait a minute! I thought New Orleans was...West? Hold on a minute...wikipedia.com...search NFC West...

Okay...turns out from 1981 to 1997 the 49ers won the division all but 4 times. That's 13 division titles for the Niners, 4 for the rest of the teams for those keeping track at home.

I guess the NFC West has always been dominated year after year by one team. Since the Seahawks have won it four straight years, let's go ahead and make it 5. The Rams were pretty banged up last year, so they may rebound and look a little better. Maybe. The Cardinals and 49ers are not good football teams right now. Maybe they'll prove me wrong soon, but I think this division is a safe bet for now.

1. Seattle
2. St. Louis
3. Arizona
4. San Francisco

AFC EAST:

Last year I proved that even amateur prognosticators such as myself can learn valuable lessons. After picking the Patriots not to win the East in 2006, I've decided to never not pick the Patriots as long as Tom Brady is wearing the Flying Elvis logo (as deemed so by TMQ of ESPN.com). Last year I was rewarded with a correct Super Bowl pick. However, the Giants snuck in and messed up my chances of picking a correct Superbowl Champion. So, once again we race for 2nd Place.

The Jets now have Brett "Real, Comfortable" Favre. Does this make them contenders? Most seem to think so, but I'm not so sure. He has to learn a new offense and he doesn't exactly have hall of famers out there to throw to. That being said, he didn't have HOFers in Green Bay last year either.

The Dolphins are in a rebuilding phase. The contractor overseeing construction is Bill Parcells, so their future is probably promising. However, their present probably has a lot of caution tape blocking off dangerous, unfinished corridors.

I like the Bills. I think they have a defense that shouldn't blow the game for you, a running back on the rise in Marshawn Lynch, a speedster in Lee Evans who can stretch the field for Trent Edwards and the offense. Their not exactly at four-time Super Bowl loser potential, but maybe one-time playoff game loser potential.

1. New England
2. Buffalo
3. New York
4. Miami

NFC EAST:

Now for the division that probably should be home to my favorite team. I grew up in Texas. Pretty much everyone I know is a Cowboys fan. Yet, somehow, I managed to become a Bengals fan...go figure. Anywho, as I said at the top of these predictions, this division has the most positive question marks. What I mean by that is every team stands to look pretty good this year. Can Jason Campbell step up and lead the Redskins to the title; if Donovan McNabb plays a full season, how good can the Eagles be; plus, how good can Brian Westbrook be; how good can Marion Barber be as the featured back; do Tony Romo and Terrell "Eldorado" Owens need a coverage drawing receiver; can the Giants repeat and will Eli Manning perform better with a ring on his finger (wedding and Superbowl)?

For the most part, I think you have to lean Cowboys in this division, though. And now that the Giants have lost some of their D-linemen to injury and retirement can they repeat the success of last season? Who knows!? That's why this is so fun!

1. Dallas
2. Philadelphia
3. New York
4. Washington

Now for Playoff Predictions!




Pittsburgh


Indianapolis


New England


San Diego

Wild Cards:


Denver


Buffalo




Green Bay


New Orleans


Seattle


Dallas

Wild Cards:


Philadelphia


New York



It's always tough to guess who might be playing in that final game of the year. Injury bugs bite teams. Some teams underperform. Some teams overperform. Bad weather can affect playoff outcomes. Who knows? But at the end of the day it is my job to look into the future and pick the outcome of the Super Bowl. So, I'm going to safely pick the teams who look the best in each conference.

Dallas Cowboys vs. New England Patriots

The Cowboys seem to be the best team in the NFC if they can get their act together and win a playoff game we'd all appreciate it.

The Patriots lost one game last year. Granted it was the Super Bowl, but seriously, what's changed from last year to this year. Will they win all of their regular season games again? Doubtful. But the champ hasn't been knocked down yet, so I'm sticking with the Pats.

And you're Super Bowl Champions....

Gotta go with the New England Patriots. And for good reason. They're probably a little pissed about last year and Wade Phillips and the Cowboys lack the experience to go to battle against Cheatin' Billy B and the Pissed off Pats.

Remember, if I picked your team to do anything half-way decent this year, be prepared for a long season.

And, Winter, I'm putting you on notice, Stephen Colbert style.