Wisdom From A Thirty Year Old

I'm thirty today. Well, technically I turned 30 yesterday, but this is the first day that I've ever awakened to greet the day as a 30 year old. That's pretty crazy to say out loud in my head. I figure that I should have a lot of life experiences and wisdom built up after being on this here planet for so long, and you know what...? I do. I am very wise. I'm practically Yoda...wait, no...who taught Yoda? Whoever taught Yoda, that's the guy I rank right up there with in wisdom acquired. What, don't believe me...? Fine. I'll prove it by giving you all some free wisdom today garnered in my first three decades of life. I should note, it does help to be born awesome for what I'm about to pass along to take root.

• Be born awesome. It will serve you well in life.
  
• If you climb on a chair with wheels to reach a root beer, that action may result in a broken arm. But it will be totally worth it.
• Fear not. You do not have to go to jail if you expose yourself by peeing in front of the cheerleaders and the crowd during a football game provided you are 4 years old at the time.
• Be wise in dangerous situations. If at all possible ensure that your older brother attempts dangerous maneuvers first. Examples may include riding a bicycle up and over and old pickup on a 2 X 12 and swinging by a cheap, old electrical cord over cactus.
• Not eating your spinach may upset people early in your life. It may even cause them to withhold recess from you. This will be the first cost-benefit analysis you perform before making a decision. Choose wisely. The wise choice is recess. In case you were wondering if there's a right or wrong here. Because there is.
• Do not be disheartened when you discover you say hardly a word to the first girlfriend you have. Girls are scary. Especially when they are pretty and smell nice.
• Revel in the moments when disagreements are solved through conversation, but if there is no other course of action to agreement, punch your opponent in the face. Nice and hard. Make sure you do it first.
• If your butt starts to itch, immediately remove yourself from the situation you've found yourself in. Do not ask questions. Act.
  
• Be awesome at sports. Life will surely be easier for you if this is accomplished. It is possible that you will be allowed to change majors in college (despite a prohibitive GPA) simply based on the fact that you play a sport.
• Go off to college. Not for wisdom - you are surely gaining that simply by looking at these letters formed into magical words. Go because it is fun. Really fun.
• Do not charge lightly when taking on a 260lb running back at a full speed. Charge the opposite of lightly. Charge hardly.
  
• At all times try not to look completely ridiculous. Dying your hair blond will make you look completely ridiculous. But once it grows out a little bit and you have a sweet late 90s frosted tips kind of look, you will once again be returned to non-ridiculousness. Possibly even awesomeness.
• Take the trash out often. Preferably shirtless while wearing jorts and walking your roommates tiny dog. This is how you find a wife.
• Roadtrips are the key to unlocking the mysteries of the...road...Seriously. Road trips are awesome. You will have a good time driving from College Station to Cincinnati even if the Bengals get whipped by the Steelers. Find the road. Find it often.
• Do not work for Pepsi Bottling Group straight out of college. Possibly ever. Pepsi is not as fun as the commercials make it look.
• When you marry, marry the most awesome woman ever. Oh wait. You can't. You know...since I did. It's not like you can do everything on this list anyway.
• If you come across a river, float that river. Float the hell out of that river.
• Get a dog. Not because you are scared of pretty girls that smell nice. Get a dog that is as awesome as you are. Heck, get two.
• "Friends are better than gold or crowns, having a bunch won't weigh you down..." Wise words borrowed by one wise man from another wise man. Make a lot of friends. You should have friends every where in the United States at the least. And I don't mean facebook friends. I mean crash on your couch kind of friends...that's why you want them all over. It's cheaper to visit places then.
• Travel the world. Much like taking a great road trip opens ones eyes, traveling the world opens ones eyes farther. It will be as though you are pushing them open even wider than can be considered comfortable with your own fingers. But those fingers are actually the fingers of the world.
• If the time comes and you move away from your home, fear not. Even if you are moving to a place where more people are shot over the summer than are shot in Iraq, fear not. But do not move to the south side. Of any place. The south side is always the dangerous side.
• Journal your thoughts. Your thoughts are a guidebook to your past and a map for your future. If they stay locked in your mind, then what good do they do you. So instead, write them down. Unless your writing style or thoughts are awful, then keeping them locked away would be considered wise.

If I were to sum up what I have learned in my first 30 years, I'd have to borrow another quote: "Be excellent to one another. And party on dudes."

I know that you have learned many wise things today. Wisdom is power, so as you go about your day use that power of wisdom wisely. Use it to get free stuff.