Monday, September 20, 2010

The Saga of the Shirtless Dishwasher

When I was a young man, say about twelve years old, I was pretty scrawny. I always wanted to be taller and bigger, but I just wasn't. I started playing football around that time, and I also began to lift some weights.

It took a while for the workouts to begin to show results, but my friends and I would nonetheless do a "flex check" everyday in the mirror of the locker room to note our progress. This involved several shirtless, scrawny twelve years old straining, while begging and pleading for any ounce of muscle whatsoever to make an appearance.

As it turns out, it didn't take very long before a few muscles started to peek through. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I wasn't so scrawny any more. I was about 6'-6'1" weighing in at a respectable 175-180 lbs. I managed to bench press about 225-230 lbs and squat 375-400 lbs. And the muscles were beginning to show.

And I liked that.

As we were growing up, my mom had also made sure we knew how to pitch in around the house. Often I would be responsible for cleaning up the kitchen after a meal. At some point in this scrawny to not-so-scrawny transition, I decided to start taking my shirt off to wash the dishes.

If ever pressed about this, it was simply to keep from getting the bottom area of my t-shirt soaked with water - which was true. But I also had another top-secret agenda in mind.

You see, I was beginning to realize that the ladies liked the muscles that were appearing, so my 15-year old brain thought, wouldn't it be awesome one day to be cooking dinner for a lady that I really liked, and then when it's time to clean up, I just rip my shirt off and exclaim, "I got this!"

Then I would proceed to wash the dishes and she would think, "Oh, man - look at those muscles washing my dishes!" There's no way that she wouldn't continue to date me - she would be helpless, you see, because not only was I washing dishes, but I was doing it as hotly as possible.

But then I could play all coy, and say, "Oh, I wasn't putting on a show or anything. That's how I've always washed dishes. Just ask anyone in my family. I first rip off the shirt and, then secondly, I wash the dishes real good."

I figured this could be my secret weapon to keep a lady I really liked around.

As it turns out, I never did get to have this moment.

However, I did meet my wife while taking out the trash with no shirt on. It just goes to show you young fellas out there - get ripped and practice your household chores. For the record, I keep my shirt on as much as possible now - perhaps I should lift some weights again and bring back the shirtless dishwasher. He was a fun guy to have around.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Most Interesting Thing I Learned This Week - Roulette

At the beginning of this week, I certainly did not intend to have back-to-back posts in which I referred to France. My friend Zach would be ashamed, but thankfully, he's immersed in football season, so most likely this will go unnoticed by him.

This weekend Stacie and I loaded the dogs into the car and made a trip down to Tulsa to see my bro Trait, our sis-in-law Sara and our nephew. Though most of the weekend was filled with the sound of our nephew's glee about having puppies, him wanting Uncle Ty to go outside or other silly moments that need not be discussed here, we took a little time out on Saturday night to visit a casino. We were in Indian Territory after all.

Stacie and I had never been to a casino together and only separately for work. Neither one of us have done much gambling and wanted to wait to gamble at a casino together - you know, good family time - so we were pretty giddy heading out the door.

After Stacie had some trouble with the Wheel of Fortune slots and a black jack dealer made mincemeat of me, Stacie found a game that we both could enjoy: roulette.


I didn't win anything at roulette, but I definitely was able to sit there longer than I was during my short stay at the black jack table. Stacie on the other hand, was doing pretty well. In fact, after a few rounds she pointed to the 0/00 space on the board and asked what that was. Our pit boss, Shane, explained that along with all the red and black numbers there is also a green 0 and a green 00 that can hit.

Immediately Stacie put $5 on the line between the two, betting both and declared that they should hit now.

Sure enough, double zero hit. $85 was shoveled to my baby. She ended up walking away with a brand new $100 bill. She's still grinning about it.

I decided to do some research about this newfound game we played, and it led to interesting things.

Roulette Facts:


  • Roulette is French and means "little wheel"

  • Roulette has been played in its present form since 1796 in Paris

  • In our hemisphere there is a zero and a double zero on the wheel, but most of the rest of the world has just a single zero space.

  • To "break the bank" actually refers to winning all of the money available at a roulette table. All the money at the table is taken and a black cloth covers the table until the bank is replenished. Many people, including myself until recently, think that this saying refers to taking all of the money in a bank or casino (figuratively or literally), but that's not so.

  • The most well known bank breaker was Charles Wells, who broke the bank 12 times in 11 hours in Monte Carlo in 1891. At one point he hit the correct number 23 out of 30 spins. He was not cheating, he admitted later he was just a lucky scoundrel - literally. He was playing with 4,000 Pounds that he swindled from people who had invested in his bogus invention - the musical jump rope.

  • Others have cheated though. While Stacie and I were at the table a man was texting on his phone and the pit boss told him that phones were not allowed at the table. I wondered how a phone could give him an advantage. As it turns out, in 2004 three men put a laser scanner and a computer program in a phone. The laser would scan the wheel as it was spinning and predict what quadrant the ball would settle into. The men would then place bets in that quadrant and did quite nicely for themselves. Now, betting is closed at most tables before the wheel begins to slow down.
There are a lot of interesting little tidbits out there about this game - betting strategies, mathematical formulas, famous cheaters, etc. It's amazing what you can learn with a little digging, and it's always nice to have a winning experience. Especially consdering that for every $1 you bet your expected winnings are negative 5.3 cents. That is, unless, of course, you are my wife.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Most Interesting Thing I Learned This Week: Bikinis are the Bomb - Literally

Let me start by saying two things:

1) I did not post on Monday per my usual weekly TMITILTW programming because it was a holiday and it kind of didn't feel like Monday and I had a fantasy football draft and Stacie & I completely demolished our closet and put it back together again. But, fear not! I have not forgotten to come bring you completely random, mostly useless information. How else will you wow your friends this week?

AND

2) I learned several things interesting this week - wholesome things such as the lyric in America the Beautiful that says "thine alabaster cities gleam" was written because Katherine Lee Bates had just visited the great White City that was the 1893 World's Exposition here in Chicago. But in researching for confirmation of this I stumbled upon something that I felt was took the cake for this coveted weekly installment.

The Bikini. Capitalized. That's correct - when it was first called the bikini it was capitalized because it was named for the Bikini Atoll. The Bikini Atoll consists of 23 islands as part of the Micronesian Islands of the Pacific Ocean.

Believe it or not, the islands were not named as such because the natives pranced around in the latest two-piece swimwear. No, rather the controversial two-piece swimwear was introduced and named for these islands. I'm sure you've heard that before, but why were these islands deemed worthy of having a fancy new swimsuit named for them?

The reason? These Bikini Islands were the site of several nuclear device tests by the United States, the first of which was on July 1st, 1946. Bob Hope said of the Bikini Island nuclear tests:

"As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell."

Operation Crossroads Explosion at Bikini

Just shortly after the first nuclear test, Louis Reard's self-proclaimed "world's smallest swimsuit" debuted in Paris. He called it the Bikini because he anticipated that the reaction upon seeing one would be the same as if one saw a nuclear explosion. His design was not worn quite as frequently as other competing models due to the lack of modesty in design (he insisted that to truly be a Bikini, it must be able to be pulled through a wedding ring.) Nevertheless, the name stuck - even for slightly more modest attire.

PS - I have no idea how I got from America the Beautiful to the bikini, but my weird journey is your crazy gain.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Come and Blog It Annual Prediction of How the NFL Season Will Play Out

I stepped outside today and was immediately struck by two things - one was little Reesie Bear scampering out the door and hitting me in the leg on her way to the bathroom and the second was that I was saying "holy smoke it's chilly out here!" Of course, just as Reese dawdled about with no intentions of peeing until the last minute, as she always does, the cold air is merely a reminder to me that summer will slowly take it's time before giving way to the next season: football season.

It will be in the 90s again next week, but nevertheless, with most of the preseason games completed and a cool blast of air to my face, I feel that it is time to once again present you with:

The Come and Blog It Annual Prediction of How the NFL Season Will Play Out*

*brought to you by Carl's Jr.**


**not actually brought to you by Carl's Jr. - I just saw Idiocracy on TV, so it felt right to say that

Before we begin, I'd like to remind you that I did pretty well last year. That only led to a rather dull critique of my work. So, in an effort to keep my posts lively, I'll try not to be so accurate this year. In fact, we may go about this a little differently this year, so hold on tight. And now for the predictions:

AFC:


BAM! See what I did there. I just hit you with a bolt of lightning to your face that says the San Diego Chargers will win the AFC Championship this year. I started you right at the top. But why the Chargers. Well, I went to San Diego last year and had a really good time, but couldn't help but feel a little melancholy because ol' Ladanian Tomlinson was really struggling and getting old. I'm sure the whole town felt that way and those bad vibes held the Chargers back from their full potential. Now, the Chargers are free to embrace their destiny and once again compete for El Trophy de Lombardi.

In a little ironic twist LT, now with the Jets, will have a mini-resurrection only to see the Jets fail to qualify for post season play. WHAT!?!?!?!?

Did I just say that? The hot pick for all the "experts" this year and the man-crush of the moment Rex Ryan will miss the playoffs? Yep. So, just who do the Chargers vanquish to reach the ultimate reality show, then, if not the Jets?

From the AFC EAST:

Those pesky New England Patriots! The team that, much like the Black Knight, just won't go away, refuses to go away once more. Their defense will be a little shaky, but they'll just outscore everybody with their man-model-myth quarterback, Mr. Brady. And you know what else...the Dolphins will even finish ahead of the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets this year. You know why? Me neither, but I just don't trust the Jets - they have a sophomore QB, an angry star CB, and a whole lot of folks telling them how good they are. To me, that's a bad combination. As far as the other team in this division goes, I think the Bills will be better but they still have a ways to go before they are a playoff team. They're on the right track with that CJ Spiller kid though.

From the AFC SOUTH:

Another pesky team that won't go away, the Indianapolis Colts. Notice what this team and the Pats have in common. Very, very good quarterback play. Peyton Manning only does two things: plays QB and films commercials. That's it. And he's very good at both of them. Sometimes I think about specializing like that, but then I get distracted by a funny blog. Some people out there think the Texans are finally going to turn the corner this year and make the playoffs, but I just don't know. I really want them to for all of my Houston friends and for my home state, but I still don't trust them to finish the job. They do have a fantastic QB though, so maybe they'll get it done. But not in this prediction list.

From the AFC NORTH:

I don't want to put this team here - I really, really don't. But even I, the biggest of Bengals homers, cannot deny how good the Baltimore Ravens may be this year. Good QB, good WRs, decent defense though it doesn't quite live up to "experts" descriptions in my opinion, and then there's that Ray Rice fella. Man, is he good or what?

But wait, there's more from here! That's right! My Cincinnati Bengals make the playoffs in back to back seasons for the first time since E.T. phoned home. I'm not just going to blow smoke up your skirt here, let's talk facts: 4th ranked defense last year that is returning pretty much everybody, offensive additions of Jermaine Gresham, Jordan Shipley and the T.O. fella. Here's what needs to happen - protect the QB, reduce penalties and keep two diva receivers very happy. If the Bungles can manage those three simple things I see another playoff berth in their future.

From the AFC WEST:

We already have the Chargers in from the West, but we obviously need one more team to round out our predictions. That team must come from the West since we've been through all the other divisions...who might it be?

BOOM! You did not see that coming did you!?!?!? The Raiders of Oakland in the playoffs by the slimmest of margins. Why the Raiders you ask? Defense, defense, defense. Also finally some stability at coach and a QB that isn't literally the worst QB since Babe Laufenberg. But let's get serious. The real reason I pick the Raiders is because I recently learned that for a few days before they began their first season ever they were the Oakland Senors. Oh, man, that's amazing - and apparently their logo had a sweet mustache, but I can't find any verification of that despite my desperation for it to be so. Oh and the Chiefs stink and the Broncos will look good for about 7 weeks and tank down the stretch.

NFC:
bam.

Okay, so I'm not super excited about this pick. I don't trust the Dallas Cowboys at all, but as I looked at the other teams in the NFC everyone seemed to have a glaring weakness. The 'Boys have a weakness, it's just not glaring. Oh well, let's just say this years big game will be what Super Bowl XXIX should have been had the Cowboys not had five turnovers in the NFC Championship Game loss to the 49ers. And this just got juicier since I have breaking news that Patrick Crayton has been traded to....the CHARGERS! A Super Bowl revenge game for him. Interesting.

I also realize I just picked the Cowboys to play the first "home field" Super Bowl. That's pretty hard to do, but it's just the type of thing that will infuriate the Cowboys-haters to the max pissivity. It's a word. Ask Ochocinco.

So, who might the Cowboys have to go through in the post-season tournament?

From the NFC NORTH:

These guys. That's who. If I could trust the Green Bay Packer defense even just a little bit, I'd probably have them in the Super Bowl instead of the Cowboys. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry Christmas, too. So instead I say the Pack short losing to the Cowboys in a shoot out, final score 73-42.

Then there's these Minnesota Vikings. Now that Brett "will he, won't he" Favre has decided he will, this team is legit again. No matter what receivers are out there if you've got that line, AP and Favre on your team you should make the playoffs. Plus their defense is pretty good, too. I see an early exit this time as Favre's magic genie dies of old age and is no longer able to create his secret youth potion - the secret is you still look old, but you play like a teenager and never get hurt. In a twist of irony Favre throws one last deal-sealing interception in the playoffs and blows out his shoulder punching the ground. He's then forced to retire on the PUP list after 285 consecutive starts.

From the NFC EAST:

Nobody else. That's right - none. No Eagles. No Giants. No Redskins. Not because they aren't good teams, though. No. I just think this division will beat itself senseless. Only one can emerge from this type of throw-down. The Eagles will be alright. The Giants will be right with them. The Redskins will be bad, but tough. The end.

From the NFC WEST:

The mean little birds rise again! I know everyone is picking the 49ers. They're the hot girl that everyone wants to go to the dance with, but you know what? She ain't going to the dance - certainly not with you. Nope, she's going to some college party with some college guy. She's not showing up at your little high school party - lame-o!. And everyone's going to be sad that she's not there, even her. Because she's not going to have any fun with the college guy once her friends go to the Attic with fake i.d.s and find out the college guy is cheating on her with some blond. Then she'll realize she never should've ditched Zack Morris and should've just stayed with the high school crowd.

I'm sorry. I've lost my train of thought.

football.

right.

Okay, so the Arizona Cardinals. So, they may have lost Kurt Warner, but they still have Ken Wisenhunt. They still have Larry Fitzgerald. They have Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower. They have a pretty okay kind of defense. And really all they have to do is find a way to win nine games and that should do it in the NFC West. Just like the Cardinals burned me for years before finally winning this division, I will not pick the Niners prematurely. They are not ready. Yet.

The Rams have a good kid at QB, but they still have some big steps to take and I think the Seahawks under Pete Carroll will be a disaster.

From the NFC SOUTH:

Mr. Brees and his New Orleans Saints. This is a solid football team with a solid coach and a solid QB. I can't pick them to go to the Super Bowl again because I just don't think they have repeat talent defensively. But I was this close to picking them to go again. I just held my fingers really close together when I typed that.

I also think the Atlanta Falcons will bounce back from last year's tough season. Michael Turner will be healthy and that will help the passing game. Plus I think the Panthers won't win too many games and neither will the Bucs, so while the NFC East beats up on itself, I think the South will be just the opposite. And I need Michael Turner to have a good year if my fantasy team is going anywhere. C'mon, Falcons!

So there you have it. The 2010 NFL Season the way I see it. You should take these picks to Vegas based on how it worked out for me last year.*

*please don't take these picks to Vegas. It will most likely be one of the worst decisions you make.