Come and Blog It Annual Prediction of How the NFL Season Will Play Out

I stepped outside today and was immediately struck by two things - one was little Reesie Bear scampering out the door and hitting me in the leg on her way to the bathroom and the second was that I was saying "holy smoke it's chilly out here!" Of course, just as Reese dawdled about with no intentions of peeing until the last minute, as she always does, the cold air is merely a reminder to me that summer will slowly take it's time before giving way to the next season: football season.

It will be in the 90s again next week, but nevertheless, with most of the preseason games completed and a cool blast of air to my face, I feel that it is time to once again present you with:

The Come and Blog It Annual Prediction of How the NFL Season Will Play Out*

*brought to you by Carl's Jr.**

**not actually brought to you by Carl's Jr. - I just saw Idiocracy on TV, so it felt right to say that

Before we begin, I'd like to remind you that I did pretty well last year. That only led to a rather dull critique of my work. So, in an effort to keep my posts lively, I'll try not to be so accurate this year. In fact, we may go about this a little differently this year, so hold on tight. And now for the predictions:

AFC:


BAM! See what I did there. I just hit you with a bolt of lightning to your face that says the San Diego Chargers will win the AFC Championship this year. I started you right at the top. But why the Chargers. Well, I went to San Diego last year and had a really good time, but couldn't help but feel a little melancholy because ol' Ladanian Tomlinson was really struggling and getting old. I'm sure the whole town felt that way and those bad vibes held the Chargers back from their full potential. Now, the Chargers are free to embrace their destiny and once again compete for El Trophy de Lombardi.

In a little ironic twist LT, now with the Jets, will have a mini-resurrection only to see the Jets fail to qualify for post season play. WHAT!?!?!?!?

Did I just say that? The hot pick for all the "experts" this year and the man-crush of the moment Rex Ryan will miss the playoffs? Yep. So, just who do the Chargers vanquish to reach the ultimate reality show, then, if not the Jets?

From the AFC EAST:

Those pesky New England Patriots! The team that, much like the Black Knight, just won't go away, refuses to go away once more. Their defense will be a little shaky, but they'll just outscore everybody with their man-model-myth quarterback, Mr. Brady. And you know what else...the Dolphins will even finish ahead of the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets this year. You know why? Me neither, but I just don't trust the Jets - they have a sophomore QB, an angry star CB, and a whole lot of folks telling them how good they are. To me, that's a bad combination. As far as the other team in this division goes, I think the Bills will be better but they still have a ways to go before they are a playoff team. They're on the right track with that CJ Spiller kid though.

From the AFC SOUTH:

Another pesky team that won't go away, the Indianapolis Colts. Notice what this team and the Pats have in common. Very, very good quarterback play. Peyton Manning only does two things: plays QB and films commercials. That's it. And he's very good at both of them. Sometimes I think about specializing like that, but then I get distracted by a funny blog. Some people out there think the Texans are finally going to turn the corner this year and make the playoffs, but I just don't know. I really want them to for all of my Houston friends and for my home state, but I still don't trust them to finish the job. They do have a fantastic QB though, so maybe they'll get it done. But not in this prediction list.

From the AFC NORTH:

I don't want to put this team here - I really, really don't. But even I, the biggest of Bengals homers, cannot deny how good the Baltimore Ravens may be this year. Good QB, good WRs, decent defense though it doesn't quite live up to "experts" descriptions in my opinion, and then there's that Ray Rice fella. Man, is he good or what?

But wait, there's more from here! That's right! My Cincinnati Bengals make the playoffs in back to back seasons for the first time since E.T. phoned home. I'm not just going to blow smoke up your skirt here, let's talk facts: 4th ranked defense last year that is returning pretty much everybody, offensive additions of Jermaine Gresham, Jordan Shipley and the T.O. fella. Here's what needs to happen - protect the QB, reduce penalties and keep two diva receivers very happy. If the Bungles can manage those three simple things I see another playoff berth in their future.

From the AFC WEST:

We already have the Chargers in from the West, but we obviously need one more team to round out our predictions. That team must come from the West since we've been through all the other divisions...who might it be?

BOOM! You did not see that coming did you!?!?!? The Raiders of Oakland in the playoffs by the slimmest of margins. Why the Raiders you ask? Defense, defense, defense. Also finally some stability at coach and a QB that isn't literally the worst QB since Babe Laufenberg. But let's get serious. The real reason I pick the Raiders is because I recently learned that for a few days before they began their first season ever they were the Oakland Senors. Oh, man, that's amazing - and apparently their logo had a sweet mustache, but I can't find any verification of that despite my desperation for it to be so. Oh and the Chiefs stink and the Broncos will look good for about 7 weeks and tank down the stretch.

NFC:
bam.

Okay, so I'm not super excited about this pick. I don't trust the Dallas Cowboys at all, but as I looked at the other teams in the NFC everyone seemed to have a glaring weakness. The 'Boys have a weakness, it's just not glaring. Oh well, let's just say this years big game will be what Super Bowl XXIX should have been had the Cowboys not had five turnovers in the NFC Championship Game loss to the 49ers. And this just got juicier since I have breaking news that Patrick Crayton has been traded to....the CHARGERS! A Super Bowl revenge game for him. Interesting.

I also realize I just picked the Cowboys to play the first "home field" Super Bowl. That's pretty hard to do, but it's just the type of thing that will infuriate the Cowboys-haters to the max pissivity. It's a word. Ask Ochocinco.

So, who might the Cowboys have to go through in the post-season tournament?

From the NFC NORTH:

These guys. That's who. If I could trust the Green Bay Packer defense even just a little bit, I'd probably have them in the Super Bowl instead of the Cowboys. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry Christmas, too. So instead I say the Pack short losing to the Cowboys in a shoot out, final score 73-42.

Then there's these Minnesota Vikings. Now that Brett "will he, won't he" Favre has decided he will, this team is legit again. No matter what receivers are out there if you've got that line, AP and Favre on your team you should make the playoffs. Plus their defense is pretty good, too. I see an early exit this time as Favre's magic genie dies of old age and is no longer able to create his secret youth potion - the secret is you still look old, but you play like a teenager and never get hurt. In a twist of irony Favre throws one last deal-sealing interception in the playoffs and blows out his shoulder punching the ground. He's then forced to retire on the PUP list after 285 consecutive starts.

From the NFC EAST:

Nobody else. That's right - none. No Eagles. No Giants. No Redskins. Not because they aren't good teams, though. No. I just think this division will beat itself senseless. Only one can emerge from this type of throw-down. The Eagles will be alright. The Giants will be right with them. The Redskins will be bad, but tough. The end.

From the NFC WEST:

The mean little birds rise again! I know everyone is picking the 49ers. They're the hot girl that everyone wants to go to the dance with, but you know what? She ain't going to the dance - certainly not with you. Nope, she's going to some college party with some college guy. She's not showing up at your little high school party - lame-o!. And everyone's going to be sad that she's not there, even her. Because she's not going to have any fun with the college guy once her friends go to the Attic with fake i.d.s and find out the college guy is cheating on her with some blond. Then she'll realize she never should've ditched Zack Morris and should've just stayed with the high school crowd.

I'm sorry. I've lost my train of thought.

football.

right.

Okay, so the Arizona Cardinals. So, they may have lost Kurt Warner, but they still have Ken Wisenhunt. They still have Larry Fitzgerald. They have Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower. They have a pretty okay kind of defense. And really all they have to do is find a way to win nine games and that should do it in the NFC West. Just like the Cardinals burned me for years before finally winning this division, I will not pick the Niners prematurely. They are not ready. Yet.

The Rams have a good kid at QB, but they still have some big steps to take and I think the Seahawks under Pete Carroll will be a disaster.

From the NFC SOUTH:

Mr. Brees and his New Orleans Saints. This is a solid football team with a solid coach and a solid QB. I can't pick them to go to the Super Bowl again because I just don't think they have repeat talent defensively. But I was this close to picking them to go again. I just held my fingers really close together when I typed that.

I also think the Atlanta Falcons will bounce back from last year's tough season. Michael Turner will be healthy and that will help the passing game. Plus I think the Panthers won't win too many games and neither will the Bucs, so while the NFC East beats up on itself, I think the South will be just the opposite. And I need Michael Turner to have a good year if my fantasy team is going anywhere. C'mon, Falcons!

So there you have it. The 2010 NFL Season the way I see it. You should take these picks to Vegas based on how it worked out for me last year.*

*please don't take these picks to Vegas. It will most likely be one of the worst decisions you make.