Stuff Conservatives Like

So, I've been inspired. There is a book that I find really entertaining called "Stuff White People Like" and a blog I also find really entertaining called "Stuff Christians Like." They're truly fantastic in their own way, and I'm sure one probably spawned the other. Well, I'm white and Christian, but what I also am is conservative. I don't know if a "Stuff Conservatives Like" exists or not. And I am not going to Google for fear that it does. But what I will do is throw down my own "Stuff Conservatives Like" post. Who knows, maybe it'll become a regularly occurring feature.

I just heard my brother mumble, "Yeah, right." He knows me so well.

So what is the first foray into "Stuff Conservatives Like"? How about:

USING THOMAS JEFFERSON QUOTES AS THEIR FACEBOOK STATUS.

Ever since the recent health care "reform" legislation was signed into law there has been a very vocal crowd on ye ol' book o' faces. I must confess to being part of that, but, man, have the quotes of dead people been flying around or what? I mean, you never see those of a more liberal slant pulling quotes off of Google and slapping them on their facebook status updates do you? Of course not, and I'll tell you why.

We conservatives are obviously heartless bastards who hate the poor, the sick, minorities and Michael Moore. But we can't just come out and say, "I'm a cold-hearted, half-reptile, half-man redneck who doesn't want to share." That would make it way too easy for us to be swept aside like crazy people. No, silly, we have to prove that long before us there were heartless bastards who made this country into the place it is today, where our uninsured are dying in the streets and our poor people only have a normal cell phone, not the kind with games and internet on it.

You see, a liberal doesn't have to look to the past. They're called progressives now. Get it? Progress. Progress is forward. If they look to the past that will just slow them down. Plus, why would you have to defend your stance as a liberal. You want everyone to have health care and big houses and college educations and a steady stream of disposable income to spend on unicorn rides. And you want it to magically appear out of the Lincoln Memorial.

Who wouldn't want that? Oh, that's right. Me and my puppy kicking, dream squashing friends. But you know what, I do want unicorn rides for all! But I run into this problem when I think about money pouring out of the Lincoln Memorial and floating in the reflection pool. I don't find it plausible. Well, and I've never seen a unicorn yet.

I'm pretty sure all the stuff everyone should have has to be paid for, somehow, though. And you know what else, I bet Thomas Jefferson spent a whole lot of time thinking about what kind of a country America could be. He probably thought about it even more than Joe Biden practices his salty sailor talk. Thomas Jefferson saw the opportunities and the inherent dangers with the type of country our founders were forming. He and others warned against what could happen once we turn to the government as providers rather than defenders of liberty. So, maybe it's okay to look back and quote him every now and then.



Of course, maybe we conservatives are just too brainwashed to formulate our own thoughts and opinions. We pretty much just listen to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh all day. I mean, when we're not snacking on kittens.

I. Am. A. Genius.

Well, if not a genius, I definitely have some type of 6th sense thing going on here. Seriously. Here's what I wrote back in August of 2009:

"Obviously, I'm picking the Bengals to win this division."

Sorry to those of you that started reading this piece thinking it was about something meaningful. Not this one, my friends. It is sports related, so as always, if "sports aren't your thing", feel free to check out for today. But know that you'll be given one demerit.

This is my annual review of the Come and Blog It Annual Prediction of How the NFL Season Will Play Out.

It's taken me a little longer to get to writing this one largely due to the massive amount of tears I shed after my Bengals let me down in the playoffs. It's hard to type when you keep shorting out key boards. This is going to be a short one, though, because as you can see, if I picked the Bengals to win the AFC North, and nailed it, obviously I didn't miss much. I am that good.

"But wait," some of you are saying. "What about at the bottom of your division analysis when you wrote":

"Oh forget it! I'm picking the Bungles! I was wrong about everything last year, so maybe this will be an unexpected correct pick."

Who are you? The Pick Police! It doesn't matter how I got there. I put it down in stone so it was right.

But you're not here for what I got right, are you? No. That's boring. You're here for what I completely fouled up...you people are so predictable. Fine. Here it is:

First, I picked the Green Bay Packers to win the NFC North. They went 11-5 and made the playoffs, but they didn't win it. I picked the Vikings to be second and they were pretty much awesome.

I picked the Falcons to win the NFC South. But at least I picked the Saints to...finish third and miss the playoffs...hmmm. This division always baffles me, and this year was no different. In fact, here's what I wrote:

"I think I've picked New Orleans to win this division two years in a row now. And two years in a row the Saints have let me down, despite Mr. Brees and his fantastic throwing arm."

Thanks, Saints.

About the NFC East I said:

"...this thing comes down to a Giants team that I always seem to under appreciate and an Eagles team that I constantly distrust because of Donovan McNabb's accuracy issues."

Turns out I over-appreciated the Giants by a bit this year and under-appreciated those Cowboys. But as always, the Redskins finished last. At least I can predict that one properly.

Man, I'm gonna be honest with you. I actually did a pretty nice job of prognosticating this year. But you know what that does...? That makes for one boring review of your predictions. I correctly picked 4 of the 6 playoff teams from each conference. I missed both of my Super Bowl predictions, but still, this is a pretty boring review.

NFL, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm putting you on notice, Colbert-style. That's right folks. The NFL is on notice. If I can predict with this accuracy what's going to happen, the league has become lackluster at best.

NFL, you'd better get back to your crazy days when it was all Steelers and Patriots and everyone else was just playing for second. Because that free-for-all for second was a lot more fun come this time of year.

If the NFL doesn't get its act together, I suggest you all come back to this page in August, print a copy of my predictions and head to Vegas, 'cause baby, you about to be rich.

For the Troops

Hey folks, I mentioned in my previous post (a kind of ranty one, I'll admit) about Peter King petitioning his readers to donate to a good cause.

Well, I received an email from the USO asking me to pass along the link if I didn't mind. I don't so here's the recommend text from them:

"Hey,

I wanted to let you know about an amazing effort Peter King from Sports Illustrated and the USO are running right now. It's called the Five for Fighting campaign -- I just took part and am hoping you will join me.

Through this campaign, we can help bring support to Sgt. McGuire and his troops. They are set to deploy to Afghanistan later this year and in preparation are looking to us to help bring some of the comforts from home to their base, like a TV with video games and weight equipment.

These troops make amazing sacrifices every day. It really doesn't seem like too much to ask to chip in $5 and take part in the Peter King's Five for Fighting campaign. Will you join with me and help bring a touch of home to our troops? You can donate by clicking here:"

http://uso.org/PeterKing

If you've got a spare five-spot, help the soldiers feel a little more at home while they're serving our country.

Thanks, you three are the best!

My Fair Share

Today I received a letter from US Census Bureau. You probably received one, too. It read:

"Dear Resident:

About one week from now, you will receive a 2010 Census form in the mail. When you receive your form, please fill it out and mail it in promptly.

Your response is important. Results from the 2010 Census will be used to help each community get its fair share of government funds for highways, schools, health facilities and many other programs you and your neighbors need. Without a complete, accurate census, your community may not receive its fair share.

Thank you in advance for your help."

I don't know about you, but the term "fair share" pretty much makes me gag. And this form letter, though short, was nonetheless extremely gag inducing. Of course, I'm a guy that thinks government should provide for certain things like defending our country, keeping commonly used infrastructure in tact, protecting our rights and liberties, things that fall in the big picture category. When it comes to schools, health facilities and "programs", I'm generally not a big fan of Federal involvement.

But aside from that here's what makes me gag:

• FAIR SHARE: I hate the word fair except in baseball. And unless we're talking baseball, who the heck can even know what is fair? Who decides what is fair? If I'm forced to use the word, I'd say that my fair share of the things the census is offering would mean that I would get a proportionate amount of the services to my taxes paid. But I'm willing to bet what is meant here is that if my neighborhood has a generally higher income level, they're going to put less resources into our "schools, health facilities and programs" because it wouldn't be "fair" to use our taxes in our neighborhood because we can just pay for stuff ourselves.

And seriously, who decides what is fair? Bureaucrats, that's who. And what's their
motivation? Votes. Don't think for a second that most of the people in elected positions
want what's best for our country. They want to stay employed.

• SO WHAT'S FAIR, THEN?: Is it fair when we all have exactly the same amount of money? Is it fair when we all have the exact same amount of homes with the exact same amount of square footage and the exact same amount of food in the exact same fridge? There's no such thing as fair in this sense! It doesn't exist. I don't believe it exists in any sense. I'd like to say that fair is when we all have the same opportunities for success, but that doesn't and will never exist. Some people will be born into families that instill in them a work ethic. Some people will be born into families that let them do whatever they want with no accountability whatsoever. Some will be given up for adoption. Some will have no dads. Some will have the best parents. Some will have a lot of money and go to college for free. Some will have no money and have to work their way through school if they want a degree. But the thing that's great about our country is your guaranteed the opportunity to strive for success. And you'll have to overcome many things that aren't fair on the way to that success.

• NEED!: Ugh. As if all that "fair share" talk wasn't enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little, they had to go say that we need the things that the great government will provide us our fair share of. Programs! Health facilities! Schools! Sure, we need hospitals. We need schools. But government acts as if they weren't there we'd just let our sick die and our kids grow up as uneducated imbeciles. And the programs...well, the programs have all done their "fair share" to cause people to be overly reliant on government. Does the government believe we'd let our needy go unattended to if they weren't around? I wouldn't and neither would the rest of the country. Have you seen our country's generous outpouring of help when other countries need help? How much more do you think we'd show up to help our own, but government has wretched that from our hands and now use it against those who need it to secure their vote. Peter King is a sports writer for SI.com. Most of you have probably never heard of him, but he met a soldier at a Cardinals baseball game once and a friendship between them grew. This soldier and his troops are headed to Afghanistan to start a remote base and Peter asked what he could do for them. The soldier said he'd like for his troops to have something to do in their downtime (lift weights, video games, nice TV, etc.) like they would have if they were on a more permanent base. So, Peter went to his readers and asked for $5 to be donated to a USO site that builds these type of rec areas at a cost of $20K each. His readers donated enough in one day to build that one and 4 more for other troops stationed in different areas. The average donation was over $25. We are a generous people at our cores and we don't need the government to do every little thing for us when we hit a tough spot.

I realize this post is a little ranty, but it's been that kind of day and I felt like typing hard. I'm not against paying taxes (though I am against the income tax, talk about not "fair", and I'm against the covert removal of taxes from our paychecks so that most of us don't even know what goes out the door), but I believe there are certain things the government should use those taxes for and certain things that are our own responsibility.

And I don't like it when the government dangles "fair share" and "need" in front of my face like a carrot to get me all excited about the Census.

Now I need to go, I hear my big white phone ringing.

"Hello, Ralph..."