Stuff Conservatives Like

SAYING NO

You know the old saying, "Why say no when it feels sooooo good to say yes?" Well, that saying was first uttered by a sappy, bleeding heart liberal. How do I know that? Because I am a conservative. And as a conservative I can tell you that nothing makes my lump of coal heart pump the oil that has replaced my blood faster than telling someone to take a hike.

I mean, sure, we'll tell you that we're concerned about the ever-increasing federal debt or personal responsibility, but what we really feel inside is unfettered glee at those two little letters squeezed together and passing over our lips: N-O.

Just try it. Say the word out loud. No.

Should we give money to companies that are failing?

No.

Should we expand the governments role in health care, ultimately leading to a government operated system?

NO.

Should we further throw the current budget out of whack by extending unemployment benefits despite the fact that we just passed pay-as-you-go legislation after which the president uttered these words: "Congress can only spend a dollar if it saves a dollar elsewhere."

No. NO. NO!

Didn't it feel good to say that out loud? I mean, in three little breaths we have just broken the hearts of big companies, people that are sick and people that have been out of work for a long time. Delicious, wouldn't you agree?

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell - I'm assuming he's saying no here. He practically can't keep the smile from erupting onto his otherwise very droopy face.

Buying the votes of citizens ain't got nothing on how it feels to kill their hopes and dreams.

Why say yes, when it feels so, so good to say no?

Stuff Conservatives Like

So, I've been inspired. There is a book that I find really entertaining called "Stuff White People Like" and a blog I also find really entertaining called "Stuff Christians Like." They're truly fantastic in their own way, and I'm sure one probably spawned the other. Well, I'm white and Christian, but what I also am is conservative. I don't know if a "Stuff Conservatives Like" exists or not. And I am not going to Google for fear that it does. But what I will do is throw down my own "Stuff Conservatives Like" post. Who knows, maybe it'll become a regularly occurring feature.

I just heard my brother mumble, "Yeah, right." He knows me so well.

So what is the first foray into "Stuff Conservatives Like"? How about:

USING THOMAS JEFFERSON QUOTES AS THEIR FACEBOOK STATUS.

Ever since the recent health care "reform" legislation was signed into law there has been a very vocal crowd on ye ol' book o' faces. I must confess to being part of that, but, man, have the quotes of dead people been flying around or what? I mean, you never see those of a more liberal slant pulling quotes off of Google and slapping them on their facebook status updates do you? Of course not, and I'll tell you why.

We conservatives are obviously heartless bastards who hate the poor, the sick, minorities and Michael Moore. But we can't just come out and say, "I'm a cold-hearted, half-reptile, half-man redneck who doesn't want to share." That would make it way too easy for us to be swept aside like crazy people. No, silly, we have to prove that long before us there were heartless bastards who made this country into the place it is today, where our uninsured are dying in the streets and our poor people only have a normal cell phone, not the kind with games and internet on it.

You see, a liberal doesn't have to look to the past. They're called progressives now. Get it? Progress. Progress is forward. If they look to the past that will just slow them down. Plus, why would you have to defend your stance as a liberal. You want everyone to have health care and big houses and college educations and a steady stream of disposable income to spend on unicorn rides. And you want it to magically appear out of the Lincoln Memorial.

Who wouldn't want that? Oh, that's right. Me and my puppy kicking, dream squashing friends. But you know what, I do want unicorn rides for all! But I run into this problem when I think about money pouring out of the Lincoln Memorial and floating in the reflection pool. I don't find it plausible. Well, and I've never seen a unicorn yet.

I'm pretty sure all the stuff everyone should have has to be paid for, somehow, though. And you know what else, I bet Thomas Jefferson spent a whole lot of time thinking about what kind of a country America could be. He probably thought about it even more than Joe Biden practices his salty sailor talk. Thomas Jefferson saw the opportunities and the inherent dangers with the type of country our founders were forming. He and others warned against what could happen once we turn to the government as providers rather than defenders of liberty. So, maybe it's okay to look back and quote him every now and then.



Of course, maybe we conservatives are just too brainwashed to formulate our own thoughts and opinions. We pretty much just listen to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh all day. I mean, when we're not snacking on kittens.